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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Climatologists Secure Funding To Breed Glaciers In Captivity

FAIRBANKS, AK—Researchers from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration received a $42 million federal grant for a captive-glacier breeding project that will attempt to spawn three to five of the massive, slow-moving bodies of land-carving ice by 2020. "As the number of glaciers worldwide is less than half what it was 40 years ago, it is evident that we must do something to improve glacial fertility or they will face imminent extinction," said NOAA chief glacier behaviorist Ingrid Boorstein at a press conference at the future site of the National Indoor Glacier Preserve in central Alaska. "We've already sent teams of specially trained climbers to collect the Aletsch Glacier in Switzerland, Vatnajökull in Iceland, and the Siachen in the Himalayas to establish mating pairs."The NOAA has received heavy criticism for its past failed attempts to reintroduce wild glaciers into their former Ice Age habitats in Central Europe and on the plains of the American Midwest.

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