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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Clint Eastwood To Publish New Autobiography: 'I…Where You're Alive And They—You Write A Book About You'

Year In Review 

NEW YORK—According to publisher HarperCollins, 82-year-old actor Clint Eastwood’s new autobiography, I…Where You’re Alive And They—You Write A Book About You, will be released this October, just in time for the holiday book-buying season.

“When you write…it’s just that so, these people are all in our lives, all of us, and he’s—but you know about—I remember 50 years ago,” reads an excerpt from a chapter titled “You See The Past And It Doesn’t Hurt, I Don’t Know.” “They were saying, but I thought—people in your own life were something to be thought about—and they were saying that back then, and even now, and I just thought, this is great.”

“My mom was crying, I was crying, and my dad—and I haven’t…but I thought, yeah, and Million Dollar Baby was then,” the excerpt continues. “You do that.”

Press materials from HarperCollins confirmed the 750-page volume chronicles Eastwood’s upbringing in Northern California (“I was born, and uh…uh…uh”), his personal life as a husband and father (“Kids are kids now, and that is a thing that we…and I think a lot about that”), and his long, storied career in Hollywood (“You make movies, and then they make them, and then they get made”).

In addition, a HarperCollins publicist told reporters that Eastwood writes about his political leanings in the chapter “My Time As Mayor, And Listen Here Because This Is Important, And Then You Go And They Go And Everyone Goes, And You’re Writing On The Computer Now, And Small Government Bailouts In Nice Weather, The Academy Award Was, And You Think: ‘Global Warming’s A Problem.’”

The book also reportedly includes an intimate portrayal of Eastwood’s mother, Margaret.

“So I’ve got my mom sitting here, and here’s this terrific woman, a great gal—and I just saw Jon Voight—and it was great, it was nice, people were talking and did I mention Jon Voight because he should be in here, in the book that is,” Eastwood writes. “But I think it’s just important you realize…movies are being made with you in them. At least that’s what people think, and that’s okay.”

“Right?” the book continues.

Representatives from HarperCollins said Eastwood’s autobiography will be available in hardcover or digital for $29.95.

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