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James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

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Clinton Adopts New 'No Fear' Foreign Policy

WASHINGTON, DC—In what observers are calling a "radically intense" move, President Clinton unveiled a new "No Fear" foreign policy approach Monday, stating that in the future, nations dealing with the U.S. should "Bring Your Spine Or Ride The Pine."

President Clinton, sporting a new haircut and neon green Zubaz pants, told reporters, "There is no crying in foreign policy—shut up and negotiate."

"America is, quite simply, In It To Win It," a visibly pumped Clinton told the assembled international press. "While this administration remains committed to maintaining good relations with our allies abroad, that's not going to stand in the way of the fact that It's Not Whether You Win Or Lose, It's How Bad You Beat The Other Team."

Upon finishing his speech, Clinton vaulted over the podium and sprinted to the new Air Force One, a neon orange and purple Chevy Brat sports pickup with Tazmanian Devil mudflaps and an adhesive decal prominently displayed in the rear window, reading, "Clint Force One—All The Way With Hell To Pay." He then sped off to a D.C.-area shopping mall parking lot before his stunned audience could reply.

Reports that the pickup had electric light-up neon displays around the license plates could not be confirmed at press time.

"In foreign policy, Second Place Is The First Loser," the president said in a nationally televised speech on ESPN2 Monday night. Sporting wraparound multi-colored mirrored sunglasses, Clinton added, "The United States of America Is Agile, Mobile, Hostile, and Completely Fearless. No Fear!" He then grunted, striking a muscle-flexing pose before challenging embattled Russian President Boris Yeltsin to a "no-holds barred, flat-out motocross mud run," advising the Russian premier to "Shut Up and Hit The Dirt."

Another aspect of the new "No Fear" policy is the requirement that all international treaties and other diplomatic documents be printed in oversized "distressed-type"-style lettering, and stored for safe keeping in bright green and yellow "fanny packs."

Further, all U.S. ambassadors will be required to wear "long-in-back, buzzed-on-top" haircuts and attend formal diplomatic events wearing baggy, weightlifter-style Zubaz pants, preferably neon green or magenta ones, the State Department said.

"I believe that by dressing in such an intense manner, our ambassadors will send a strong 'Don't Mess With The U.S.' message to foreign diplomats," Clinton said. "If their diplomats come dressed in B.U.M. Equipment gear, we will come in No Fear. If they wear Generra Hypercolor, we will respond with Big Johnson. The U.S. will not be cowed."

Clinton added that "the United States government has Been There, Wrecked That."

In addition to dress code changes, in the future, foreign policy strategy meetings will no longer be held at the State Department Building, but instead will take place at "The Quarry," an abandoned D.C.-area mining site where government officials convene out of the backs of their trucks "tailgate-style." A favorite Clinton administration hangout, the Quarry is where aspiring officials are often called upon to "prove their stuff" by diving off the uppermost point of "Panic Peak" into the swimming hole at the Quarry's base, an experience Secretary of Labor Robert Reich describes as "110 percent pure adrenaline overdrive, baby!"

"At 200 mph there is no diplomatic immunity," Clinton said, reiterating the new American stance. "If foreign interests mess with the bull they can expect the horns. We have no room for crybabies in the emergent global economy. Bones heal, records don't. Eat my dust!" The president then floored it.

Foreign reaction to the new No Fear policy has been mixed.

Mexican President Ernesto Zedillo said, "It is of great concern to Mexico to suddenly be so close to a nation that is so—how do you say?—'balls out.' I am afraid."

German Chancellor Helmut Kohl, on the other hand, has already responded with a gift to the president of an original vinyl copy of Boston's self-titled debut LP, originally owned by his older brother. The president is said to be pleased with the gesture, saying that Boston kicks ass.

"Dudes, can you see it? My mustache is coming in," Clinton said in conclusion. "What a chick magnet that'll be."

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