adBlockCheck

Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Clinton Announces New 'No Walkman' Rule for Congress

WASHINGTON, DC—In a reversal of more than 15 years of Presidential Walkman policy, Bill Clinton announced Monday he is banning all personal portable stereo devices from meetings of the U.S. Congress, both House and Senate.

U.S. Sen. Bob Michels, seen here enjoying some music, had his Walkman taken away by President Clinton yesterday after being caught wearing it during a key crime bill debate. Michels insists the Walkman was off.

"I realize most members of Congress are using their Walkmans responsibly, listening to them only during lengthy filibusters or sub-committee meeting breaks," said Clinton, explaining the controversial decision. "But there are still a few legislators—and they know who they are—who have ignored my warnings and are still using them while Congress is in session."

"Unfortunately," added Clinton, "these distracting few have now ruined it for everyone else."

Under the new plan, all confiscated Walkmans will be placed in the top right drawer of the President's desk, where they will remain until the end of the legislative day.

The new policy has already been put into effect. U.S. Sen. Bob Michels (R-NM) had his Walkman taken away yesterday after being caught wearing it in the middle of a Democratic rebuttal of HR-309J, a recently proposed Republican-sponsored crime bill.

Michels strongly protested the Walkman seizure, explaining it was turned off.

"Yes, I was wearing it," Michels said. "But the power switch was clearly in the off position. In addition, many Democrats were wearing Walkmans at the time as well, with some even playing music at loud volumes, but the President did not say anything at all. This double standard is completely unfair."

"I don't care," Clinton responded, unmoved by Sen. Michels' strong protestation. "I don't want to see them at all."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close