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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Clinton Announces New 'No Walkman' Rule for Congress

WASHINGTON, DC—In a reversal of more than 15 years of Presidential Walkman policy, Bill Clinton announced Monday he is banning all personal portable stereo devices from meetings of the U.S. Congress, both House and Senate.

U.S. Sen. Bob Michels, seen here enjoying some music, had his Walkman taken away by President Clinton yesterday after being caught wearing it during a key crime bill debate. Michels insists the Walkman was off.

"I realize most members of Congress are using their Walkmans responsibly, listening to them only during lengthy filibusters or sub-committee meeting breaks," said Clinton, explaining the controversial decision. "But there are still a few legislators—and they know who they are—who have ignored my warnings and are still using them while Congress is in session."

"Unfortunately," added Clinton, "these distracting few have now ruined it for everyone else."

Under the new plan, all confiscated Walkmans will be placed in the top right drawer of the President's desk, where they will remain until the end of the legislative day.

The new policy has already been put into effect. U.S. Sen. Bob Michels (R-NM) had his Walkman taken away yesterday after being caught wearing it in the middle of a Democratic rebuttal of HR-309J, a recently proposed Republican-sponsored crime bill.

Michels strongly protested the Walkman seizure, explaining it was turned off.

"Yes, I was wearing it," Michels said. "But the power switch was clearly in the off position. In addition, many Democrats were wearing Walkmans at the time as well, with some even playing music at loud volumes, but the President did not say anything at all. This double standard is completely unfair."

"I don't care," Clinton responded, unmoved by Sen. Michels' strong protestation. "I don't want to see them at all."

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