Clinton Blown Away

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Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.

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GOP presidential frontrunner Ben Carson is currently under fire for claims he’s made about his past in books and interviews, many of which journalists have alleged are fabricated or skewed in the candidate’s favor. The Onion breaks down what’s truth and what’s fiction.

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Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

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Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

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Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

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Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

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Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

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Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.

GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

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Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

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Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.

How Trump Continues To Lead The Polls

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Obama’s Post-Presidency Plans

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Details Of Donald Trump’s Immigration Plan

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Huckabee Campaign Suspended After Candidate Trapped In Briar Patch

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What’s Been Found In Hillary’s Emails So Far

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Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark

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How The GOP Can Appeal To Women

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Most Used Words In The GOP Debate

On Thursday night, the top 10 Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland to engage in the first primary debate. Below are the words and phrases used by the candidates, weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.

On Thursday night, the top 10 Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland to engage in the first primary debate. Here are the words and phrases used by the candidates, weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.

Trump Delivers Anecdote About Small Business Owner Who Isn’t Half The Man He Is

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What To Expect From Tonight’s GOP Debate

The first Republican primary debate will air Thursday evening on Fox News and will feature the top 10 polling candidates, with Donald Trump in a strong lead, as they field questions from moderators Bret Baier, Megyn Kelly, and Chris Wallace. Here’s what to expect during tonight’s debate:

How Campaigns Spend Their Money

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Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

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Candidate Profile: Scott Walker

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker formally announced Monday that he will run for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, bringing one of the frontrunners in early polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Walker
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Election 2016

Clinton Blown Away

by Delicious Flavor of Trident Gum

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)— President Clinton is recovering today after being “shot dead” by the flavor of Trident Sugarless Spearmint Gum late Monday night. The President was walking out of the Washington Hilton, where he had just given a speech, when he received three “bursts of taste” from the gum, which was quickly wrestled out of his mouth by Secret Service agents.

President Clinton, after being "shot dead" by the exciting flavor of Trident gum, was hurried to Washington's Memorial Hospital, where the President's personal physician pronounced Clinton "satisfied on arrival."

“That’s some gum!” screamed the President as he was pulled into his limousine and hurried to Memorial Hospital, where he was pronounced “satisfied on arrival” by Dr. Robert Orson, the president’s personal physician.

“The President was struck three times on the tongue by the most delicious gum he’s ever had,” Orson said. “His taste buds never had a chance.”

According to eyewitnesses, the President was waving to the crowd and talking to Secretary of Defense William Perry when, unseen by Secret Service agents, the gum snuck into his mouth.

“You could see immediately something had happened,” Perry said. “He began to smile broadly and his eyes lit up. The third chew is what got him. The first two just opened his eyes to the taste, but the third sent him reeling into a whole new vista of flavor.”

The entire nation was glued to its television sets throughout the night, mourning what TV commentator George Will termed “the death of our collective gustatory innocence.”

Vice President Al Gore has assumed temporary duties as Chief Executive while doctors and security personnel stay on a 24-hour Flavor Watch.

Meanwhile, questions are being asked about how a gum so staggeringly delicious could have been allowed into the President’s mouth in the first place. Spokesman Roger Vasquez confirmed today that the Secret Service had closed its file on Trident Sugarless Spearmint gum in 1993, believing it to be “insufficiently minty” to pose a security risk to the President.

“Were we wrong? Obviously,” Vasquez admitted. “This is a gum that should not have been allowed within 20 feet of the President. That’s how mint- astic it is!”

This is not the first time Trident gum has struck a Chief Executive, according to Trident executive Howard Stanton. In 1976 President Gerald Ford was “gravely wowed” when shaking hands at a San Francisco campaign stop. But that incident was before Trident began using aspartane, a remarkably sweet sugar substitute, in its gum.

“The two chews inflicted on President Ford, while flavorful, were only moderately chew-licious,” Stanton said. “But our new sugarless gum is indistinguishable from regular gums and carries five times the palate-pleasin’ power of our 1976 brand.”

Harry Williams, a taxi driver from Portland, Oregon, echoed the thoughts and feelings of a nation.

“Of course you see this kind of thing all the time on TV, but when it happens to the President. . . it’s unfathomable. Unfathomable that Trident Sugarless Spearmint gum is so delicious.”

“At least he didn’t get a chance to see how long-lasting the flavor is,” Stanton noted. “That would have been a national ordeal that might never have ended—a Vietnam of flavor!”