Clinton Blows Entire Paycheck

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Vol 35 Issue 45

Pregame Prayer

Citing separation of church and state, a Texas judge recently banned students at a Galveston high school from praying before home football games. The case is being appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. What do you think about pregame prayer?

CD Club Somehow Tracks Down Local Woman

CAMDEN, NJ—Despite moving four times in the past four years and switching credit cards twice, Liz Brower was somehow tracked down Monday by BMG Music Service. "Wow, I thought for sure I'd lost them," said Brower, who still owes $19.11 for Belly's King—the featured alternative-rock selection for November 1995—which she received after failing to fill out her response card in time. "Those guys really know how to find a person." Brower is also on the run from Columbia House, to whom she owes $41.04 for Soul Asylum's Grave Dancers Union and Toad The Wet Sprocket's Dulcinea.

Wondrous World Of Fishes Last Checked Out 4/17/67

INDIANOLA, MS—According to a report from a pair of bored teens, The Wondrous World Of Fishes was last checked out of the Indianola Public Library on April 17, 1967. "Hey, check it out—this one's been here since '67," Brad McEvoy, 14, told friend Todd Tyler, 13, while trying to find the library book with the longest unborrowed streak Monday. "Dude, that's like 30 years." Despite the disuse, Houghton-Mifflin, the book's publisher, said it stands behind The Wondrous World Of Fishes, calling it "an exciting, educational look at life beneath the sea."

AAA Member Pulled First From Car Crash

YAKIMA, WA—American Automobile Association member Janet Klugh enjoyed one of the many perks of membership in the organization Monday, when she was pulled first from the wreckage of a violent two-car collision on Hwy. C. "It was wonderful," Klugh said. "Even though the driver of the other car was more seriously injured, pinned beneath the wheel with her left lung collapsed, the AAA paramedics helped me first." Klugh also enjoyed free bandages and a TripTik® with directions to a local hospital.

Area Man Finally In Enough Pain To Go To Doctor

WICHITA FALLS, TX—After three days of steadily increasing discomfort, local resident James Furness, 46, was finally in enough pain Monday to have his sprained right ankle examined by a doctor. "Fuck it, I give," said Furness, who twisted the ankle while mowing his lawn Friday. "I thought it might go away by itself, or just with a little ice, but the bastard's all swollen up like a cow's." After driving 12 miles to his doctor's office using only his left foot, Furness was subjected to a 20-minute lecture from his physician on the importance of prompt medical attention.

Entire House Implicated By Phish Poster

ALBANY, NY—A large Phish poster decorating the living room of a four-bedroom apartment on Broome Street has come under fire from the apartment's three non-Phish-supporting roommates, sources revealed Tuesday. "Because of Ryan's poster, everybody who comes over here automatically assumes that I'm a big, Phish-loving hippie," resident Douglas Beckert, 20, said of the 4'x6' "Picture Of Nectar" wall hanging. "Certain posters, you can hang in a living room without people making assumptions about your lifestyle, but not this one." Beckert has advocated replacing the Phish poster with one of The Beatles or Pink Floyd.

The Belfast Accord

On Dec. 7, power in Northern Ireland was transferred from London to Belfast, ending 27 years of direct rule by Britain. What are the terms of the agreement?
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Clinton Blows Entire Paycheck

WASHINGTON, DC—After refusing comment on the matter for days, President Clinton finally admitted Monday that he blew his most recent paycheck, failing to deposit it into the joint checking account he shares with his wife and instead spending it on a variety of items of dubious necessity.

Surrounded by purchases, President Clinton discusses his recent $865 spending spree with an advisor.

"My fellow Americans, I stand before you to confess that it is all gone," a contrite Clinton said in a televised address. "I honestly did not think I was buying all that much stuff; it just somehow added up. But I want to assure you that I am still deeply committed to fiscal responsibility and will be sure to keep better track of my money in the future."

Clinton said he had intended to deposit the paycheck, but a series of unforeseen circumstances caused him to alter his plan.

"No sooner did Payroll send my check to the Oval Office than Hillary called, saying that right after work I should run to the bank before it closes, and then swing by Safeway to get some groceries," Clinton said. "Well, I forgot that it's a bad idea to go shopping while you're hungry, because I wound up spending almost $160."

Shortly after departing Safeway, Clinton started to head back to the White House. But when he noticed a massive traffic bottleneck on Virginia Avenue, he decided to "wait it out" at the nearby Heritage Ridge shopping mall.

Clinton admitted to making several "impromptu" purchases while at the mall, including a socket wrench set at Sears, a CD tower at Musicland, a copy of Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me at Suncoast Motion Picture Company, a stuffed Grinch doll at Pam's Hallmark, and a copy of Tuesdays With Morrie and the latest issue of Cycle World magazine at B. Dalton.

Further complicating matters for Clinton, an anonymous White House source claims that the president is withholding information about additional shopping he did. According to the source, after leaving the mall, Clinton stopped at a Mobil station to buy gas and, while in the MobilMart convenience store, spent an additional $27.11 on a number of impulse purchases, including a set of Yosemite Sam "Back Off!" mudflaps, a Best Of Jerry Reed cassette, a pack of Swisher Sweets and a two-liter bottle of Surge.

"These charges are patently false," Clinton said. "Yes, I did stop at the Mobil station on 10th. But I only purchased gas and a single 12-ounce can of Surge. And some Twizzlers. But I did not buy any of the items I am accused of buying, and I would easily be able to prove it if not for the fact that, just as millions of Americans do every day, I threw out my receipt."

Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS) called the president's blown paycheck "yet another example of liberal overspending."

"After leaving the mall, the president stopped at Target, where he bought a Hamilton Beach electric beverage warmer," Lott said. "Yet during a September trip to an Alexandria, VA, Montgomery Ward, Mr. Clinton was seen buying a very similar Sunbeam electric beverage warmer. Does the White House really need two beverage warmers? It certainly didn't at any time during the Reagan-Bush Era."

Conservative columnist Cal Thomas was particularly critical of Clinton's Safeway purchases.

"[Clinton] bought the Louis Rich-brand turkey roast, and had he bothered to look at one of the hundreds of flyers littering the store's entrance area, he would have found a 25 cents-off coupon for Jennie-O turkey roast, which is practically the same thing. And why must he always buy Charmin toilet paper, when Scottissue is just as good but cheaper and has even more sheets per roll?"

"I want to assure the American people that during my overspending spree, not a penny of taxpayer money was used," Clinton said. "There is no cause for public alarm, and this matter will be dealt with privately by Hillary and myself."

Whether the Clintons will attempt to return the Hamilton Beach electric beverage warmer was unknown as of press time.

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