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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Clinton Breaks Off Talks with Carpetland

Washington, D.C. —After months of deteriorating relations, President Clinton yesterday announced that the U.S. has broken off talks with Carpetland and its friendly, helpful team of sales associates. The break, which came after an 11th hour disagreement over the terms of the installation of 300 square yards of DuPont Stainmaster II, could leave Clinton without quality carpeting for the November election.

The decision to break off talks came at the insistence of several of Clinton’s top advisors, including U.S. Carpet Secretary Daniel Attenbisen, who said a proposed U.S. Monsanto-brand Weardated purchase now would be unwise, as it is too late for the summer selection. The fall double-knit line is widely reported to be the weakest in years.

Attenbisen served as Carpetland ambassador under President Ford.

Leonard Haveshbaum, Customer Service Representative to the U.S., was regretful over the stalled negotiations and expressed determination to restore good relations with the U.S.

“President Clinton is a valued customer,” said Haveshbaum, speaking from Carpetland’s brand-new store at Pflaum Road and Highway 351. “He is welcome to visit any one of our 21 convenient D.C.-area Carpetland locations at any time, should he make a firm decision on his carpet and carpet-related needs.”

Added Haveshbaum: “Our low prices will floor you.”

Despite the break in talks, Clinton stressed the importance of U.S.-Carpetland relations in a formal statement released yesterday.

“I believe in Carpetland and what it can offer the American people. I believe that only the highest quality carpets at the lowest possible factory-outlet prices should be purchased,” the statement read. “Carpetland and the U.S. were allies in the Fourth of July Carpet Blow-Out of 1968, and on through to the Shag Crisis of the mid-’70s. I would like to assure the American public that the impasse reached in these talks in no way lessens our commitment to the people of Carpetland.”

Clinton has not ruled out bombing Carpetland.

Though the White House tried to head off any speculation as to why Clinton broke off the talks, one report hinted that there had been no agreement on the particulars of a White House-wide free-installation accord.

Others speculated that Carpetland was holding out on the free Stainguard treatment given to all customers who purchase 100 square feet or more.

There was also concern that Clinton low-balled Haveshbaum and then offered assurance that Carpetland’s Labor Day Carpet Sale-abration would be granted Most-Favored-Sale status by the U.S.—something no president has done since Grover Cleveland.

The White House made sure to inform the press yesterday that color was not a factor in the decision, and supported this claim by passing around a DuPont Stainmaster II sample book complete with the President’s pre-approved colors.

With talks on hold, Clinton has not stood still in the quest for quality carpet at discount prices, urging his Joint Chiefs to recommend another carpet store in the area. The Joint Chiefs are expected to recommend that Clinton call Crazy Hal’s Carpet and Tile Warehouse, where, according to a recent Pentagon report, the lowest prices are guaranteed.

There is some concern among senior officials, however, that Crazy Hal’s prices are low only because Crazy Hal may be clinically insane, and therefore lacks the necessary cognitive powers to determine a fair price for carpets, tiles, and other floor coverings.

“I am aware that Crazy Hal is considered ‘insane’ to sell carpet at the low, low prices he does,” Clinton said Monday, speaking at the Naval Academy’s Commencement in Annapolis, MD. “If Crazy Hal is indeed mentally unsound, we will consider a course of action appropriate for dealing with an insane person in the arena of discount carpet.”

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