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Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Clinton Breaks Off Talks with Carpetland

Washington, D.C. —After months of deteriorating relations, President Clinton yesterday announced that the U.S. has broken off talks with Carpetland and its friendly, helpful team of sales associates. The break, which came after an 11th hour disagreement over the terms of the installation of 300 square yards of DuPont Stainmaster II, could leave Clinton without quality carpeting for the November election.

The decision to break off talks came at the insistence of several of Clinton’s top advisors, including U.S. Carpet Secretary Daniel Attenbisen, who said a proposed U.S. Monsanto-brand Weardated purchase now would be unwise, as it is too late for the summer selection. The fall double-knit line is widely reported to be the weakest in years.

Attenbisen served as Carpetland ambassador under President Ford.

Leonard Haveshbaum, Customer Service Representative to the U.S., was regretful over the stalled negotiations and expressed determination to restore good relations with the U.S.

“President Clinton is a valued customer,” said Haveshbaum, speaking from Carpetland’s brand-new store at Pflaum Road and Highway 351. “He is welcome to visit any one of our 21 convenient D.C.-area Carpetland locations at any time, should he make a firm decision on his carpet and carpet-related needs.”

Added Haveshbaum: “Our low prices will floor you.”

Despite the break in talks, Clinton stressed the importance of U.S.-Carpetland relations in a formal statement released yesterday.

“I believe in Carpetland and what it can offer the American people. I believe that only the highest quality carpets at the lowest possible factory-outlet prices should be purchased,” the statement read. “Carpetland and the U.S. were allies in the Fourth of July Carpet Blow-Out of 1968, and on through to the Shag Crisis of the mid-’70s. I would like to assure the American public that the impasse reached in these talks in no way lessens our commitment to the people of Carpetland.”

Clinton has not ruled out bombing Carpetland.

Though the White House tried to head off any speculation as to why Clinton broke off the talks, one report hinted that there had been no agreement on the particulars of a White House-wide free-installation accord.

Others speculated that Carpetland was holding out on the free Stainguard treatment given to all customers who purchase 100 square feet or more.

There was also concern that Clinton low-balled Haveshbaum and then offered assurance that Carpetland’s Labor Day Carpet Sale-abration would be granted Most-Favored-Sale status by the U.S.—something no president has done since Grover Cleveland.

The White House made sure to inform the press yesterday that color was not a factor in the decision, and supported this claim by passing around a DuPont Stainmaster II sample book complete with the President’s pre-approved colors.

With talks on hold, Clinton has not stood still in the quest for quality carpet at discount prices, urging his Joint Chiefs to recommend another carpet store in the area. The Joint Chiefs are expected to recommend that Clinton call Crazy Hal’s Carpet and Tile Warehouse, where, according to a recent Pentagon report, the lowest prices are guaranteed.

There is some concern among senior officials, however, that Crazy Hal’s prices are low only because Crazy Hal may be clinically insane, and therefore lacks the necessary cognitive powers to determine a fair price for carpets, tiles, and other floor coverings.

“I am aware that Crazy Hal is considered ‘insane’ to sell carpet at the low, low prices he does,” Clinton said Monday, speaking at the Naval Academy’s Commencement in Annapolis, MD. “If Crazy Hal is indeed mentally unsound, we will consider a course of action appropriate for dealing with an insane person in the arena of discount carpet.”

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