adBlockCheck

Clinton Calls For National Week Off To Get National Shit Together

Top Headlines

Politics

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Clinton Calls For National Week Off To Get National Shit Together

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing years of distracting, time-consuming obligations that have caused other matters to go unattended, President Clinton called for a National Week Off Monday for the purpose of getting the nation's shit together.

As shit continues to pile up on his desk, President Clinton phones members of Congress to rally support for his proposed National Week Off.

If approved, the week off, scheduled for Oct. 7-13, would give Clinton, as well as the American people, a chance to finally take care of all their shit.

"My fellow Americans," Clinton said in his weekly radio address, "as your president, I have had a great many things to deal with during my time in office: welfare reform, the '96 election, Bosnia, fundraising scandals—you name it. As a result, a lot of shit has piled up that I have not had the chance to take care of."

Among the shit Clinton intends to deal with during the week off: a pile of bills that he meant to pay a few months ago but forgot all about because of the Zairian crisis. "I just want to take a whole day to do nothing but go at that stack. Then there's all that crap piling up on the Oval Office floor. I've got to do something about those boxes."

Clinton said that other shit would be targeted in subsequent days. "I still have to call back that FCC guy—he's left a load of messages about that whole TV ratings deal. And the Army's been hassling me for months about getting them some new bombers. Plus, I owe Mexico like a billion dollars."

"I am certain," Clinton told the American people during the radio address, "that you, too, have a great deal of shit piling up. Now more than ever, we, as a nation and a people, need this time off to finally deal with all the shit we've let slide."
Clinton said that as a two-term president, he has an unusually large amount of shit to deal with. "I've still got shit from '93 I haven't even touched yet."

According to White House press secretary Mike McCurry, Clinton has also been putting off moving a couch he found down the block from the White House last week. "Al Gore said he would help the president get it upstairs," McCurry said, "but then he took off to attend some technology summit in Geneva, so he never did." The couch is currently sitting in the White House rose garden.

Clinton Calls For National Week Off To Get National Shit Together

Political analysts see the week-off request as a shrewd move on Clinton's part. "Clinton may be the most shit-burdened president since Lyndon Johnson," said Duke University political science professor Mel Heinz. "This will enable him to finally catch up and get organized. Plus, if he doesn't get those videos returned, he's screwed. He's got late fees up the ass." Heinz noted that he himself has "mucho shit" to take care of during the proposed week off.

As part of the proposal, Clinton has called for the creation of a new U.S. Department of Shit, and would appoint former White House counsel Kenneth Marsden the first Secretary of Shit. "This will ensure that in the future, America's shit will stay firmly together," Clinton said.

With approval of the week off still pending, the U.N. is discussing a possible global week off.

"That would be fantastic," recently elected British prime minister Tony Blair told reporters Tuesday. "Major left all this shit behind, and the Irish situation's been keeping me busy like a mother. And I've got so much National Health shit to go through, it's not even funny."

The National Week Off would be the first such break since 1982, when President Reagan declared a month-long sabbatical during which the nation could go horseback riding.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close