Clinton Calls For National Week Off To Get National Shit Together

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Vol 31 Issue 24

NATO Admits Slovenia, Mummenschanz, Czech Republic

REYKJAVIK, ICELAND—The North Atlantic Treaty Organization welcomed three new members Monday: former Soviet republic Slovenia, Swiss mask-mime troupe Mummenschanz, and the Czech Republic. "We are pleased to welcome three new allies in the peace process," NATO Secretary-General Javier Solana said at a press conference. "We anticipate a long and rewarding relationship with these new members, particularly the one with the crazy tube costumes." After Slovenian and Czech diplomats spoke to the press, Mummenschanz representatives affirmed their commitment to NATO with a whimsical seven-minute performance in which one member wearing a featureless clay mask attempted to imitate the intricately sculptured facial features of a fellow member. In return, Solana pledged the troupe full military backup if attacked, as well as $400 million in toilet-paper aid.

George Lucas Announces Gala 21st Anniversary Star Wars Rerelease

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Next summer's blockbusters will have some old-fashioned competition when the Star Wars trilogy gets a special 21st anniversary re-release in 4,600 theaters nationwide. George Lucas officially announced his rerelease plans Monday at 20th Century Fox headquarters. "In 1998, Star Wars will be 21 years old. As part of the celebration, we wanted to give Star Wars fans of all ages a chance to see the films the way they were meant to be seen—on the big screen," he said. "For the kids who were too young to see these movies when they were out last year, this should be a magical event." Also slated for next year: a special home-video release of Star Wars: Master Edition in celebration of the 16th anniversary of the film's video-store debut in 1982. Lucas promised brand-new footage in all the upcoming releases: "If you haven't seen Return Of The Jedi with the sandstorm scene," he said, "then you haven't seen it at all. You have been ripped off."

The Graying Of America's Prisons

As a result of the crime boom of the '70s and '80s, experts are predicting an explosion in the number of elderly prisoners in the coming decades. What do you think?

We Must Strike Now While England Is Weak!

Fellow Americans, to call for war is to be absolutely certain in one's convictions. And never have I been so certain of the necessity for bloodshed than at this moment in our history, for our enemy—a nation held in contempt by free men the world over—is weak, and her empire is slipping from her once-mighty grip. To speak the name of the tyrant is to befoul the mouth of Democracy. But speak it we must, if only to call the armed might of our nation down upon its foul malignancy. For arm ourselves we must—against the evil that is England!

Entertainment Tonight Acquires Exclusive Preview Footage

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In an unprecedented act of journalistic subterfuge, Entertainment Tonight has acquired preview footage from the set of the upcoming action film Maximum Heat, giving ET viewers a rare opportunity to see a portion of a film that will not be in theaters until fall.

U.S. Secretary Of Beer: 'Woooo!'

WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised press conference, U.S. Secretary of Beer Earl Titleman shouted boisterously and implored the American people to get down, specifically exclaiming, "Woooo!" and raising both fists in the air. The statement marks the most high-profile public pronouncement from the Department of Beer and Malt Liquor since its May 1994 collaboration with the ATF on a landmark kegger. Titleman has come under fire in the past for his liberal stance on shotgunning and his inability to count backwards from 87. "Let's get the ladies in here," urged Titleman in his 23-minute speech. "I'll take 'em all on, 'cause I'm the Big Kahuna, and y'all know what that means."

Lord Under Investigation For Failure To Provide

WASHINGTON, DC—The six-millennia-old sky-father deity Yahweh, worshiped by Christians, Muslims and Jews alike for His alleged all-knowing compassion and vast benevolence toward humanity, refused comment following Monday's announcement that the U.S. Justice Department will investigate allegations of failure on His part to provide for His approximately 3.5 billion human followers.
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Clinton Calls For National Week Off To Get National Shit Together

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing years of distracting, time-consuming obligations that have caused other matters to go unattended, President Clinton called for a National Week Off Monday for the purpose of getting the nation's shit together.

As shit continues to pile up on his desk, President Clinton phones members of Congress to rally support for his proposed National Week Off.

If approved, the week off, scheduled for Oct. 7-13, would give Clinton, as well as the American people, a chance to finally take care of all their shit.

"My fellow Americans," Clinton said in his weekly radio address, "as your president, I have had a great many things to deal with during my time in office: welfare reform, the '96 election, Bosnia, fundraising scandals—you name it. As a result, a lot of shit has piled up that I have not had the chance to take care of."

Among the shit Clinton intends to deal with during the week off: a pile of bills that he meant to pay a few months ago but forgot all about because of the Zairian crisis. "I just want to take a whole day to do nothing but go at that stack. Then there's all that crap piling up on the Oval Office floor. I've got to do something about those boxes."

Clinton said that other shit would be targeted in subsequent days. "I still have to call back that FCC guy—he's left a load of messages about that whole TV ratings deal. And the Army's been hassling me for months about getting them some new bombers. Plus, I owe Mexico like a billion dollars."

"I am certain," Clinton told the American people during the radio address, "that you, too, have a great deal of shit piling up. Now more than ever, we, as a nation and a people, need this time off to finally deal with all the shit we've let slide."
Clinton said that as a two-term president, he has an unusually large amount of shit to deal with. "I've still got shit from '93 I haven't even touched yet."

According to White House press secretary Mike McCurry, Clinton has also been putting off moving a couch he found down the block from the White House last week. "Al Gore said he would help the president get it upstairs," McCurry said, "but then he took off to attend some technology summit in Geneva, so he never did." The couch is currently sitting in the White House rose garden.

Clinton Calls For National Week Off To Get National Shit Together

Political analysts see the week-off request as a shrewd move on Clinton's part. "Clinton may be the most shit-burdened president since Lyndon Johnson," said Duke University political science professor Mel Heinz. "This will enable him to finally catch up and get organized. Plus, if he doesn't get those videos returned, he's screwed. He's got late fees up the ass." Heinz noted that he himself has "mucho shit" to take care of during the proposed week off.

As part of the proposal, Clinton has called for the creation of a new U.S. Department of Shit, and would appoint former White House counsel Kenneth Marsden the first Secretary of Shit. "This will ensure that in the future, America's shit will stay firmly together," Clinton said.

With approval of the week off still pending, the U.N. is discussing a possible global week off.

"That would be fantastic," recently elected British prime minister Tony Blair told reporters Tuesday. "Major left all this shit behind, and the Irish situation's been keeping me busy like a mother. And I've got so much National Health shit to go through, it's not even funny."

The National Week Off would be the first such break since 1982, when President Reagan declared a month-long sabbatical during which the nation could go horseback riding.

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