adBlockCheck

Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
End Of Section
  • More News

Clinton Calls For National Week Off To Get National Shit Together

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing years of distracting, time-consuming obligations that have caused other matters to go unattended, President Clinton called for a National Week Off Monday for the purpose of getting the nation's shit together.

As shit continues to pile up on his desk, President Clinton phones members of Congress to rally support for his proposed National Week Off.

If approved, the week off, scheduled for Oct. 7-13, would give Clinton, as well as the American people, a chance to finally take care of all their shit.

"My fellow Americans," Clinton said in his weekly radio address, "as your president, I have had a great many things to deal with during my time in office: welfare reform, the '96 election, Bosnia, fundraising scandals—you name it. As a result, a lot of shit has piled up that I have not had the chance to take care of."

Among the shit Clinton intends to deal with during the week off: a pile of bills that he meant to pay a few months ago but forgot all about because of the Zairian crisis. "I just want to take a whole day to do nothing but go at that stack. Then there's all that crap piling up on the Oval Office floor. I've got to do something about those boxes."

Clinton said that other shit would be targeted in subsequent days. "I still have to call back that FCC guy—he's left a load of messages about that whole TV ratings deal. And the Army's been hassling me for months about getting them some new bombers. Plus, I owe Mexico like a billion dollars."

"I am certain," Clinton told the American people during the radio address, "that you, too, have a great deal of shit piling up. Now more than ever, we, as a nation and a people, need this time off to finally deal with all the shit we've let slide."
Clinton said that as a two-term president, he has an unusually large amount of shit to deal with. "I've still got shit from '93 I haven't even touched yet."

According to White House press secretary Mike McCurry, Clinton has also been putting off moving a couch he found down the block from the White House last week. "Al Gore said he would help the president get it upstairs," McCurry said, "but then he took off to attend some technology summit in Geneva, so he never did." The couch is currently sitting in the White House rose garden.

Clinton Calls For National Week Off To Get National Shit Together

Political analysts see the week-off request as a shrewd move on Clinton's part. "Clinton may be the most shit-burdened president since Lyndon Johnson," said Duke University political science professor Mel Heinz. "This will enable him to finally catch up and get organized. Plus, if he doesn't get those videos returned, he's screwed. He's got late fees up the ass." Heinz noted that he himself has "mucho shit" to take care of during the proposed week off.

As part of the proposal, Clinton has called for the creation of a new U.S. Department of Shit, and would appoint former White House counsel Kenneth Marsden the first Secretary of Shit. "This will ensure that in the future, America's shit will stay firmly together," Clinton said.

With approval of the week off still pending, the U.N. is discussing a possible global week off.

"That would be fantastic," recently elected British prime minister Tony Blair told reporters Tuesday. "Major left all this shit behind, and the Irish situation's been keeping me busy like a mother. And I've got so much National Health shit to go through, it's not even funny."

The National Week Off would be the first such break since 1982, when President Reagan declared a month-long sabbatical during which the nation could go horseback riding.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close