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Clinton Chastises Hillary For Failure To Produce Male Heir

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
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Clinton Chastises Hillary For Failure To Produce Male Heir

WASHINGTON, DC–With less than two years remaining in his second term, Bill Clinton publicly chastised First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton Monday for failing to provide him with a male child to assume the presidency upon his leaving office.

President Clinton lashes out against wife Hillary (right), who has jeopardized the Clinton presidential line with her inability to birth a male heir.

"As my tenure as president enters its twilight, my wish for a male heir remains unfulfilled," Clinton told reporters at a White House press conference. "Unless my wife Hillary bears me a son in the next 17 months, the glorious eight-year reign of the Clintons will come to an end."

"Hillary, I rebuke you and your unfruitful womb," Clinton said. "The House Of Clinton must not be allowed to fall."

Hillary Clinton, who has been under heavy pressure to produce male issue for years, bore the president a daughter in 1980. Subsequent daughters have been catapulted into a swamp.

In a CNN interview last year, Hillary insisted that she has made every effort to comply with Clinton's demands, following a strict daily regimen of prayer, horseback riding, and great amounts of beef.

"I assure you, I have done everything in my power to fulfill the president's wishes," the First Lady told CNN Crossfire Sunday co-host Bob Beckel. "There is no deliberate attempt on my part to end the Clinton bloodline."

According to an Aug. 15 New York Times report, a number of top Clinton Administration officials, including Defense Secretary William Cohen and White House Chief Of Staff Erskine Bowles, have urged the president to divorce Hillary and marry a younger, more fertile woman. Both Cohen and Bowles declined comment on the report.

Hillary Clinton

Rumors that the First Lady is assembling a legal team to prevent a decree of death remain unconfirmed as of press time. Meanwhile, Clinton has offered to confer a cabinet post upon the doctor who can solve the problem, and is said to be consulting the Archbishop of Washington five times a week.

In addition to its lack of an heir, the House of Clinton has faced other troubles of late. Recent attempts to marry off daughter Chelsea to a wealthy American auto-manufacturing baron in hopes of strengthening the house have proven unsuccessful. On Aug. 5, the president was openly mocked on national television by one of his subjects. And in the past five months, three Clintons have died of hemophilia.

While beheading the First Lady has never been discussed in official circles, Beltway insiders say Clinton may be keeping the option open.

"Hillary will face greater and greater pressure in the coming months unless she births a boy child," said Roll Call editor and nationally syndicated columnist Morton Kondracke. "This is a man who does not want his sigil to gather dust."

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