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Clinton Chastises Hillary For Failure To Produce Male Heir

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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Clinton Chastises Hillary For Failure To Produce Male Heir

WASHINGTON, DC–With less than two years remaining in his second term, Bill Clinton publicly chastised First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton Monday for failing to provide him with a male child to assume the presidency upon his leaving office.

President Clinton lashes out against wife Hillary (right), who has jeopardized the Clinton presidential line with her inability to birth a male heir.

"As my tenure as president enters its twilight, my wish for a male heir remains unfulfilled," Clinton told reporters at a White House press conference. "Unless my wife Hillary bears me a son in the next 17 months, the glorious eight-year reign of the Clintons will come to an end."

"Hillary, I rebuke you and your unfruitful womb," Clinton said. "The House Of Clinton must not be allowed to fall."

Hillary Clinton, who has been under heavy pressure to produce male issue for years, bore the president a daughter in 1980. Subsequent daughters have been catapulted into a swamp.

In a CNN interview last year, Hillary insisted that she has made every effort to comply with Clinton's demands, following a strict daily regimen of prayer, horseback riding, and great amounts of beef.

"I assure you, I have done everything in my power to fulfill the president's wishes," the First Lady told CNN Crossfire Sunday co-host Bob Beckel. "There is no deliberate attempt on my part to end the Clinton bloodline."

According to an Aug. 15 New York Times report, a number of top Clinton Administration officials, including Defense Secretary William Cohen and White House Chief Of Staff Erskine Bowles, have urged the president to divorce Hillary and marry a younger, more fertile woman. Both Cohen and Bowles declined comment on the report.

Hillary Clinton

Rumors that the First Lady is assembling a legal team to prevent a decree of death remain unconfirmed as of press time. Meanwhile, Clinton has offered to confer a cabinet post upon the doctor who can solve the problem, and is said to be consulting the Archbishop of Washington five times a week.

In addition to its lack of an heir, the House of Clinton has faced other troubles of late. Recent attempts to marry off daughter Chelsea to a wealthy American auto-manufacturing baron in hopes of strengthening the house have proven unsuccessful. On Aug. 5, the president was openly mocked on national television by one of his subjects. And in the past five months, three Clintons have died of hemophilia.

While beheading the First Lady has never been discussed in official circles, Beltway insiders say Clinton may be keeping the option open.

"Hillary will face greater and greater pressure in the coming months unless she births a boy child," said Roll Call editor and nationally syndicated columnist Morton Kondracke. "This is a man who does not want his sigil to gather dust."

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