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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Clinton Chastises Hillary For Failure To Produce Male Heir

WASHINGTON, DC–With less than two years remaining in his second term, Bill Clinton publicly chastised First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton Monday for failing to provide him with a male child to assume the presidency upon his leaving office.

President Clinton lashes out against wife Hillary (right), who has jeopardized the Clinton presidential line with her inability to birth a male heir.

"As my tenure as president enters its twilight, my wish for a male heir remains unfulfilled," Clinton told reporters at a White House press conference. "Unless my wife Hillary bears me a son in the next 17 months, the glorious eight-year reign of the Clintons will come to an end."

"Hillary, I rebuke you and your unfruitful womb," Clinton said. "The House Of Clinton must not be allowed to fall."

Hillary Clinton, who has been under heavy pressure to produce male issue for years, bore the president a daughter in 1980. Subsequent daughters have been catapulted into a swamp.

In a CNN interview last year, Hillary insisted that she has made every effort to comply with Clinton's demands, following a strict daily regimen of prayer, horseback riding, and great amounts of beef.

"I assure you, I have done everything in my power to fulfill the president's wishes," the First Lady told CNN Crossfire Sunday co-host Bob Beckel. "There is no deliberate attempt on my part to end the Clinton bloodline."

According to an Aug. 15 New York Times report, a number of top Clinton Administration officials, including Defense Secretary William Cohen and White House Chief Of Staff Erskine Bowles, have urged the president to divorce Hillary and marry a younger, more fertile woman. Both Cohen and Bowles declined comment on the report.

Hillary Clinton

Rumors that the First Lady is assembling a legal team to prevent a decree of death remain unconfirmed as of press time. Meanwhile, Clinton has offered to confer a cabinet post upon the doctor who can solve the problem, and is said to be consulting the Archbishop of Washington five times a week.

In addition to its lack of an heir, the House of Clinton has faced other troubles of late. Recent attempts to marry off daughter Chelsea to a wealthy American auto-manufacturing baron in hopes of strengthening the house have proven unsuccessful. On Aug. 5, the president was openly mocked on national television by one of his subjects. And in the past five months, three Clintons have died of hemophilia.

While beheading the First Lady has never been discussed in official circles, Beltway insiders say Clinton may be keeping the option open.

"Hillary will face greater and greater pressure in the coming months unless she births a boy child," said Roll Call editor and nationally syndicated columnist Morton Kondracke. "This is a man who does not want his sigil to gather dust."

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