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Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Clinton Credits Nevada Victory To Inescapable, Pitch-Black Tide Of Fate

LAS VEGAS—Addressing a crowd of supporters at a victory rally in Nevada Saturday afternoon, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton credited her triumph in the state to the baleful, pitch-black tide of fate from which no man, woman, or child could ever hope to escape. “Our victory today is proof that the floodgates of history have opened, and the dire, unremitting current of inevitability has been loosed on the helpless masses,” said Clinton, bidding voters to surrender themselves to the advancing and all-consuming veil of destiny before its icy, ink-dark gloom laid waste to all who dared resist. “Do not attempt to flee or hide, for the stygian waters I have unleashed upon this earth will sweep along all in their path. Those who stand with me shall ride the crest of this woeful tidal bore all the way through Super Tuesday and unto the very steps of the White House itself. And let any who would try to stem this mighty surge be borne under the dark-winged waters, where their pleas for mercy will go unheard by the world, stifled and subdued forevermore.” At press time, Clinton was reminding supporters there was still plenty of work ahead to secure a win in South Carolina next week.


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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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