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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Clinton Credits Nevada Victory To Inescapable, Pitch-Black Tide Of Fate

LAS VEGAS—Addressing a crowd of supporters at a victory rally in Nevada Saturday afternoon, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton credited her triumph in the state to the baleful, pitch-black tide of fate from which no man, woman, or child could ever hope to escape. “Our victory today is proof that the floodgates of history have opened, and the dire, unremitting current of inevitability has been loosed on the helpless masses,” said Clinton, bidding voters to surrender themselves to the advancing and all-consuming veil of destiny before its icy, ink-dark gloom laid waste to all who dared resist. “Do not attempt to flee or hide, for the stygian waters I have unleashed upon this earth will sweep along all in their path. Those who stand with me shall ride the crest of this woeful tidal bore all the way through Super Tuesday and unto the very steps of the White House itself. And let any who would try to stem this mighty surge be borne under the dark-winged waters, where their pleas for mercy will go unheard by the world, stifled and subdued forevermore.” At press time, Clinton was reminding supporters there was still plenty of work ahead to secure a win in South Carolina next week.


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