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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Clinton Credits Nevada Victory To Inescapable, Pitch-Black Tide Of Fate

LAS VEGAS—Addressing a crowd of supporters at a victory rally in Nevada Saturday afternoon, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton credited her triumph in the state to the baleful, pitch-black tide of fate from which no man, woman, or child could ever hope to escape. “Our victory today is proof that the floodgates of history have opened, and the dire, unremitting current of inevitability has been loosed on the helpless masses,” said Clinton, bidding voters to surrender themselves to the advancing and all-consuming veil of destiny before its icy, ink-dark gloom laid waste to all who dared resist. “Do not attempt to flee or hide, for the stygian waters I have unleashed upon this earth will sweep along all in their path. Those who stand with me shall ride the crest of this woeful tidal bore all the way through Super Tuesday and unto the very steps of the White House itself. And let any who would try to stem this mighty surge be borne under the dark-winged waters, where their pleas for mercy will go unheard by the world, stifled and subdued forevermore.” At press time, Clinton was reminding supporters there was still plenty of work ahead to secure a win in South Carolina next week.


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