Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Clinton Delivers Stump Speech In Moscow Warehouse In Effort To Appeal To Russian Hackers

MOSCOW—Emphasizing that she understood their concerns and was committed to addressing them as president, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton delivered an impassioned stump speech in an unmarked warehouse on the outskirts of Moscow Friday in an effort to appeal to Russian hackers. “Each one of you here today and all those like you around this great country are going to play a pivotal role in determining the next president of the United States, and I promise to do what it takes to earn your support,” said Clinton, delivering a 30-minute address in Russian before briefly walking through the dingy, dimly lit warehouse in the city’s Otradnoye District to shake hands and take pictures with the crowd of around 130 young hackers hunched over rows of computers. “I know that many of you are dissatisfied with the state of American politics, as am I. So I urge you to channel your frustration into helping put the right candidate for the job into office. Together, we can assure that America has a president who will fight for everyone’s interests. I hope I can count on your backing in November.” Clinton reportedly ended her speech by delivering a specific plea for support tailored to those hackers planning to launch cyberattacks on electronic voting systems in Florida, Ohio, and Nevada.

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