Clinton: 'Every Man For Himself'

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Vol 32 Issue 17

CBS Picks Up NBC Nightly News

NEW YORK—In an effort to bolster its flagging ratings, CBS announced Monday that it has picked up the longrunning NBC program NBC Nightly News. CBS—which paid $150 million for the rights to the highly rated news program after a lengthy bidding war with NBC, ABC and Fox—will run NBC Nightly News in its 7:30 p.m. EST time slot, immediately following CBS Evening News. "We are delighted to welcome the newest member of the CBS family," CBS president Laurence Hewitt said. "Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather are nighttime television’s new dream team. When put back to back, these two powerhouse shows form the most unbeatable, exciting hour of news anywhere." NBC will also air reruns of CBS Evening News weeknights at 11 p.m. EST, followed by Fox Tuesday Night At The Movies.

Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty

MANHATTAN, KS—In his third hammer-induced communion with the Son of God in as many days, local resident Bart Peintner made a vociferous appeal to Lord Jesus Christ Almighty Monday following a blunt ball-peen-hammer blow to his left thumb. "Holy Jesus Christ Almighty in Heaven!" said Peintner, who was repairing a chair at the time of the thumb injury/spiritual communion. Added Peintner: "Jesus Fucking Christ!" Spokespersons for Fucking Christ were unavailable for comment at press time.

Enormous Grace Slick Threatens California Coastline

SACRAMENTO, CA—In an emergency measure Monday, California Gov. Pete Wilson ordered two dozen Northern California coastal communities evacuated following the appearance of an enormous Grace Slick along the coastline near Monterey. "We have no knowledge at this time of how this Slick may be contained," Wilson said. "But we are urging all residents in the immediate area to leave their homes and seek shelter inland." Slick, who has reportedly reached an area coverage of 4.5 acres, was unavailable for comment. "I just hope the indigenous wildlife of this region can be saved," said Greenpeace director Ron Wooten after surveying the damage. "So much devastation to the local ecosystem has occurred already. I pray the Slick does not continue to spread." Slick's rapidly spiraling mass has already destroyed the city of Berkeley, which Slick herself helped build on rock and roll.

Former President Carter Sole Attendee At 1997 Solar Power Summit

ATLANTA—The 1997 Solar Power Summit got off to an auspicious start Saturday, with a star-studded celebrity panel featuring such luminary as former U.S. president Jimmy Carter. "Solar power is the cleanest, safest, most ecologically sound power source available. We owe it to ourselves and this planet to invest in the development of renewable solar resources," said Carter, addressing more than 1,500 seats at the Atlanta Convention Center. "Your attendance at this summit stands as testimony to your commitment to a safe and clean future." Immediately following the summit, Carter boarded a cab to the Atlanta Marriott Hotel for MetriCon ’97. "America is slowly but surely ‘centimetering’ toward progress," Carter quipped.

This Column Is A 'Re-run'

Doc McGillicuddy ordered me not to write my column this week because I am just getting over a bout of the pleurisy, and I need my bed-rest. McGillicuddy suggested I consent to what he called a "re-run," or a printing of a previously published column.
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Clinton: 'Every Man For Himself'

WASHINGTON, DC—At a special emergency press conference Monday, President Clinton announced that "it is now every man for himself."

President Bill Clinton

"My fellow Americans, your government and your once-great nation lie in ruins," Clinton told assembled reporters. "Over the past 48 hours, the reports of rioting along the Eastern seaboard have increased to alarming levels. The National Guard reports that the Mississippi is running red with blood. And we have not had communication with any state west of the Rockies since late Sunday."

Clinton, flanked by two men he claimed were his "only remaining loyal Secret Servicemen," strongly advised all Americans to panic.

"So dire is the current situation that I have no choice but to urge all citizens who can still hear me to run. Run to the hills. Save yourselves," he said.

Clinton said that, following the press conference, he would flee Washington via a network of underground tunnels.

"Unfortunately, the looting and burning that has consumed America has not spared the nation's capital," Clinton said. "The danger posed to myself by the murderous, bloodthirsty mobs, not to mention the ever-increasing levels of radiation in the D.C. area, has driven me out of the White House bunker. I will evacuate to an emergency base, where I will bury the remains of my beloved Hillary and make every effort to organize a provisional American government."

The president urged the American people to exercise extreme caution when approaching strangers, especially those who appear to be friendly.

"This new dark age shall be ruled by the strong and cunning," Clinton said. "Obtain all the canned food, gasoline and ammunition you can, using deadly force if necessary. Stay off the main roads, which will be overrun by marauding, rogue policemen and mutinous soldiers from what was once the U.S. Army. Find a secluded spot in the wilderness and build a makeshift fortress where you can await further news, though I cannot guarantee that any will ever come."

According to Clinton, members of Congress, the Cabinet, and other high-level government offices are either looting and plundering their way across the ravaged countryside, or are missing and presumed dead in the wake of the nation's violent reversion to barbarism last week.

"I am sorry to announce that all nine Supreme Court justices were among the men and women who had their tongues cut out before being crucified upside-down on the National Mall," Clinton said. "As for Vice-President Gore, the remaining member of the White House medical staff just informed me that the poison has reached his heart. He is not expected to last the night."

The only member of the federal government whose whereabouts are known, Clinton said, is Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN), who is currently organizing a torch-wielding mob in Arlington, VA, for a planned siege of the White House. Clinton said that several times during the past week, Thompson had confronted him, urging the president to "just walk away" and leave his women and kingdom to the Tennessee senator.

"Though roving bands of cutthroats have set thousands of gallons of combustible fuel oil alight on the surface of the Potomac and diverted it to flow through the streets of Washington, sealing off the entire city in a wall of fire, I must attempt to escape," said Clinton. "Hopefully, the labyrinth of presidential escape tunnels beneath the White House is still intact."

Clinton declined comment on his previously stated plan to make a mad dash to safety across the city's rooftops, saying only that he "would not rule out that possibility at this juncture."

"Whatever happens to me—whether it be savage beatings and brutal rape at the hands of crypto-anarchists, or consumption by marauding cannibal sun-worshippers, I am certain that the ideals of America will live on after me," Clinton said. "Good luck, goodbye, and God bless the United States of America."

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