Clinton Fires Cabinet After Watching X-Files

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How Trump Continues To Lead The Polls

Recent polls indicate that, despite public outcry against his incendiary comments on women and minorities, Donald Trump is still the leading Republican candidate. Here are some reasons Trump stays so popular with his supporters:

Obama’s Post-Presidency Plans

With his two-term presidency drawing to a close, Barack Obama has been meeting with several high-profile public figures to determine the trajectory of his post–White House legacy. Here are some of the proposed plans

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This week, Donald Trump unveiled his plan for addressing immigration as president, a series of core principles that specify his heretofore generalized statements about America’s relationship with immigrants. Here are the items detailed in Trump’s outline

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In light of Donald Trump’s controversial comments about Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly and the Republican Party’s divisive views on Planned Parenthood, many are wondering how the party will win the female vote in next year’s presidential election.

Most Used Words In The GOP Debate

On Thursday night, the top 10 Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland to engage in the first primary debate. Below are the words and phrases used by the candidates, weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.

On Thursday night, the top 10 Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland to engage in the first primary debate. Here are the words and phrases used by the candidates, weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.

Trump Delivers Anecdote About Small Business Owner Who Isn’t Half The Man He Is

CLEVELAND—Noting that there are millions of entrepreneurs throughout the country who are in the same difficult position, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump responded to a question about the economy at Thursday night’s primary debate by sharing an anecdote about meeting a struggling small business owner who isn’t half the man he is.

What To Expect From Tonight’s GOP Debate

The first Republican primary debate will air Thursday evening on Fox News and will feature the top 10 polling candidates, with Donald Trump in a strong lead, as they field questions from moderators Bret Baier, Megyn Kelly, and Chris Wallace. Here’s what to expect during tonight’s debate:

How Campaigns Spend Their Money

The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:

Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan

Revelations From Trump’s Financial Documents

Donald Trump made the financial disclosures this week required of all presidential candidates, divulging his job titles, assets, and other information in a 92-page report. Here are some things we learned about Trump in these documents

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

Candidate Profile: Scott Walker

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker formally announced Monday that he will run for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, bringing one of the frontrunners in early polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Walker

Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal declared Wednesday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential nomination, although the Rhodes Scholar and one-time Republican rising star faces difficult odds in a jam-packed primary field. Here’s what you need to know about Jindal

Candidate Profile: Donald Trump

Billionaire real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump announced Tuesday plans to run in the 2016 presidential election, marking the first time he will formally seek the Republican nomination after floating the idea in several previous election cycles. Here are some key facts to know about Trump:

Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush

Former Florida governor Jeb Bush announced his candidacy Monday for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, putting one of the early frontrunners in the polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Jeb Bush:

Candidate Profile: Rick Perry

Former Texas governor Rick Perry announced Thursday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, hoping to fare better than he did in his unsuccessful bid for the Republican nomination in 2012. Here’s what you need to know about Perry:

Candidate Profile: Lindsey Graham

South Carolina senator and retired Air Force colonel Lindsey Graham officially announced Monday that he will run in the 2016 presidential race, adding his name to the increasingly crowded Republican field. Here are some key facts to know about Graham

Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley

Former Maryland governor and Baltimore mayor Martin O’Malley announced Saturday that he will enter the 2016 presidential race, becoming the third Democratic hopeful to officially declare his candidacy. Here are some key facts to know about O’Malley:

Candidate Profile: Rick Santorum

Former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Wednesday, bringing the runner-up from the 2012 Republican primaries officially into the race. Here’s what you need to know about Santorum:

Features Of The Obama Presidential Library

Barack Obama announced Tuesday that his presidential library will be built on the South Side of Chicago, with construction on the ambitious project due for completion by 2020 or 2021. Here are some features the new library will contain

What Is A Super PAC?

The result of two controversial 2010 federal court cases removing traditional restrictions on political action committee spending, super PACs are expected to have a significant influence on the results of the 2016 elections. Here is everything you need to know about super PACs

Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee

Former Arkansas governor and Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced his 2016 presidential candidacy Tuesday, becoming the sixth Republican hopeful to officially enter the race. Here’s what you need to know about Huckabee

Who Is Ben Carson?

Retired neurosurgeon and rising conservative star Ben Carson announced his bid for the presidency Monday, the first African-American candidate of either major political party to do so. Here’s what you need to know about the Republican candidate:

Who Is Carly Fiorina?

Carly Fiorina, a former Silicon Valley executive, announced Monday her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, becoming the first female Republican hopeful to officially launch a campaign. Here’s what you should know about Fiorina:

Who Is Bernie Sanders?

Independent Vermont senator and self-proclaimed “democratic socialist” Bernie Sanders officially declared his candidacy in the 2016 election Thursday.

Who Is Marco Rubio?

Following similar announcements by Ted Cruz and Rand Paul, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) has become the third GOP candidate to declare his bid in the 2016 presidential race.

Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’

WASHINGTON—After several seconds spent sitting motionless and glaring directly into the camera, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly began Sunday’s video announcing her 2016 presidential bid by warning the nation not to fuck th...

Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Sunday, putting an end to months of speculation about her plans.

Who Is Rand Paul?

Kentucky senator Rand Paul announced Tuesday his plans to run for president in 2016, with the libertarian becoming the second Republican to officially declare his candidacy.

Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever

U.S. In Chaos After All District, State, National Boundaries Erased Overnight

WASHINGTON—Urging calm after citizens awoke to find the country’s political boundaries had disappeared completely, authorities announced Thursday that a devastating gerrymandering blunder had left the United States devoid of any district, stat...

Who Is Ted Cruz?

Texas senator Ted Cruz announced Monday that he will run for president in 2016, becoming the first Republican politician to officially declare his candidacy.

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Keystone Veto Buys Environment At Least 3 Or 4 More Hours

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the numerous ecological benefits of blocking the proposed legislation, experts confirmed Wednesday that President Obama’s decision to veto the Keystone XL pipeline bill should buy the environment an additional three or f...

Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism

President Obama spoke before gathered world leaders this week at a summit on extremism, discussing the root causes of such violence, weighing options for combating terrorist groups like ISIS and Boko Haram, and laying out a plan for curbing attacks.
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Clinton Fires Cabinet After Watching X-Files

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton fired the entire U.S. Cabinet Monday following an episode of the popular television program X-Files he called "disturbing."

"Last night, I learned that space aliens have infiltrated the highest ranks of the U.S. government, brainwashing an undetermined number of my top advisors," Clinton said. "In the interest of national safety, I have no choice but to fire all those who may be under the influence of these sinister beings."

Immediately following the episode, which aired on Fox at 9 p.m. EST Sunday, the president called an emergency Cabinet meeting, during which every member categorically denied knowledge of or involvement in an alien conspiracy plot.

"They refused to admit to anything," Clinton said. "They were obviously part of the cover-up."

"Doubtless, many people will find my story to be ridiculous," Clinton said. "After all, even FBI agent Dana Scully, who has seen many such cases over the years, believed this to be the product of an over-active imagination. But I am convinced these aliens are real. How else can you explain the simultaneous disappearance of top-secret Gulf War documents from three different White House safes, all of which tested positive for traces of tetranitrohydroxylene-G, a substance found only in the distant Beta Sirius star system? And what about that Russian sailor stationed off the Alaska coast who died of massive cranial trauma even though he showed no signs of sustaining a head wound?"

Clinton has tried several times to contact Scully and her partner, special agent Fox Mulder, but has gotten no response. In fact, on two separate occasions, the president was told by officials at the FBI academy in Quantico, VA, that no such agents even exist.

"Obviously," Clinton said, "someone in the FBI doesn't want me to talk to Scully and Mulder. Someone very high up. They know I know too much."

An FBI sketch of the alien that President Clinton witnessed on Sunday's episode of <I>X-Files</I>. Based on evidence from the show, Clinton is convinced that such otherworldly visitors are at the center of a massive conspiracy that goes all the way to the highest levels of the U.S. government.

According to evidence gathered by Clinton while watching the hour-long program, in addition to controlling the minds of numerous cabinet members, the aliens also played a role in the JFK assassination. Clinton admitted, however, that the exact role they played in the assassination was unclear, as he got up to go to the bathroom during a commercial and came back late, missing a crucial segment of the show.

Even more terrifying, however, is the fact that when Clinton checked his VCR, which he "distinctly remembers" setting to tape the show, he found the unit turned off and eerily flashing "12:00."

"Someone, or something," Clinton said, "has the power to break into the Oval Office and turn off my VCR without any Secret Service agents noticing. Do you now begin to see what we're dealing with? The implications are staggering."

"Had my VCR worked, I would have had more than 44 minutes—not including commercials—of hard, irrefutable evidence of these alien conspiracies," Clinton continued. "It was all right there—eyewitness accounts, video footage of the alien leader exiting a UFO, even a taped confession by FBI assistant director Walter Skinner, whom the aliens brainwashed into killing his ex-wife. But now I can't prove anything."

In addition to firing his cabinet, as an added security measure Clinton has demanded that he himself be placed under close observation for the next month. As per his own orders, the president will be kept under 24-hour watch by Secret Service officials to ensure that he is not being levitated out of his window at night and brainwashed by alien forces to commit major acts of treason in an unconscious, trancelike state.

"They may have gotten me too, and I may not even know it," said Clinton, who also demanded that he be given a full EMR scan to check for possible subcortical brain implants. "The technology these aliens possess is beyond anything we humans have ever seen."

Despite the many unanswered questions about the alien conspiracy, the president is confident that he will learn the full story next Sunday night.

"At the end of last Sunday's episode, I stayed tuned for scenes from next week's X-Files, which I firmly believe will be the thrilling conclusion of a special two-part episode," Clinton said. "And according to the preview's voice-over narrator, nothing can prepare me for what will be revealed on the program."