Clinton Fires Cabinet After Watching X-Files

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Revelations From Trump’s Financial Documents

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Candidate Profile: Scott Walker

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Candidate Profile: Bobby Jindal

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Candidate Profile: Donald Trump

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Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush

Former Florida governor Jeb Bush announced his candidacy Monday for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, putting one of the early frontrunners in the polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Jeb Bush:

Candidate Profile: Rick Perry

Former Texas governor Rick Perry announced Thursday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, hoping to fare better than he did in his unsuccessful bid for the Republican nomination in 2012. Here’s what you need to know about Perry:

Candidate Profile: Lindsey Graham

South Carolina senator and retired Air Force colonel Lindsey Graham officially announced Monday that he will run in the 2016 presidential race, adding his name to the increasingly crowded Republican field. Here are some key facts to know about Graham

Candidate Profile: Martin O’Malley

Former Maryland governor and Baltimore mayor Martin O’Malley announced Saturday that he will enter the 2016 presidential race, becoming the third Democratic hopeful to officially declare his candidacy. Here are some key facts to know about O’Malley:

Candidate Profile: Rick Santorum

Former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Wednesday, bringing the runner-up from the 2012 Republican primaries officially into the race. Here’s what you need to know about Santorum:

Features Of The Obama Presidential Library

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What Is A Super PAC?

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Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee

Former Arkansas governor and Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced his 2016 presidential candidacy Tuesday, becoming the sixth Republican hopeful to officially enter the race. Here’s what you need to know about Huckabee

Who Is Ben Carson?

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Who Is Carly Fiorina?

Carly Fiorina, a former Silicon Valley executive, announced Monday her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, becoming the first female Republican hopeful to officially launch a campaign. Here’s what you should know about Fiorina:

Who Is Bernie Sanders?

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Who Is Marco Rubio?

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Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’

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Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Sunday, putting an end to months of speculation about her plans.

Who Is Rand Paul?

Kentucky senator Rand Paul announced Tuesday his plans to run for president in 2016, with the libertarian becoming the second Republican to officially declare his candidacy.

Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever

U.S. In Chaos After All District, State, National Boundaries Erased Overnight

WASHINGTON—Urging calm after citizens awoke to find the country’s political boundaries had disappeared completely, authorities announced Thursday that a devastating gerrymandering blunder had left the United States devoid of any district, stat...

Who Is Ted Cruz?

Texas senator Ted Cruz announced Monday that he will run for president in 2016, becoming the first Republican politician to officially declare his candidacy.

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Keystone Veto Buys Environment At Least 3 Or 4 More Hours

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Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism

President Obama spoke before gathered world leaders this week at a summit on extremism, discussing the root causes of such violence, weighing options for combating terrorist groups like ISIS and Boko Haram, and laying out a plan for curbing attacks.

Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address

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First-Term Congressman Brings Fresh Roadblocks To Table

WASHINGTON—Praising the bold new perspective he has introduced to Congress since being sworn in last week, sources said Monday that first-term representative Barry Loudermilk (R-GA) has already brought a host of fresh roadblocks to the table.

The GOP’s Legislative Agenda

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How Obama's Immigration Plan Would Work

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Biden Tossed Out Of Car Passing By White House

WASHINGTON—At approximately 2 a.m. Thursday morning, White House sources confirmed that Vice President Joe Biden was forcibly pushed out the rear door of a moving 1980 Lincoln Town Car onto the curb outside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
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    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Clinton Fires Cabinet After Watching X-Files

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton fired the entire U.S. Cabinet Monday following an episode of the popular television program X-Files he called "disturbing."

"Last night, I learned that space aliens have infiltrated the highest ranks of the U.S. government, brainwashing an undetermined number of my top advisors," Clinton said. "In the interest of national safety, I have no choice but to fire all those who may be under the influence of these sinister beings."

Immediately following the episode, which aired on Fox at 9 p.m. EST Sunday, the president called an emergency Cabinet meeting, during which every member categorically denied knowledge of or involvement in an alien conspiracy plot.

"They refused to admit to anything," Clinton said. "They were obviously part of the cover-up."

"Doubtless, many people will find my story to be ridiculous," Clinton said. "After all, even FBI agent Dana Scully, who has seen many such cases over the years, believed this to be the product of an over-active imagination. But I am convinced these aliens are real. How else can you explain the simultaneous disappearance of top-secret Gulf War documents from three different White House safes, all of which tested positive for traces of tetranitrohydroxylene-G, a substance found only in the distant Beta Sirius star system? And what about that Russian sailor stationed off the Alaska coast who died of massive cranial trauma even though he showed no signs of sustaining a head wound?"

Clinton has tried several times to contact Scully and her partner, special agent Fox Mulder, but has gotten no response. In fact, on two separate occasions, the president was told by officials at the FBI academy in Quantico, VA, that no such agents even exist.

"Obviously," Clinton said, "someone in the FBI doesn't want me to talk to Scully and Mulder. Someone very high up. They know I know too much."

An FBI sketch of the alien that President Clinton witnessed on Sunday's episode of <I>X-Files</I>. Based on evidence from the show, Clinton is convinced that such otherworldly visitors are at the center of a massive conspiracy that goes all the way to the highest levels of the U.S. government.

According to evidence gathered by Clinton while watching the hour-long program, in addition to controlling the minds of numerous cabinet members, the aliens also played a role in the JFK assassination. Clinton admitted, however, that the exact role they played in the assassination was unclear, as he got up to go to the bathroom during a commercial and came back late, missing a crucial segment of the show.

Even more terrifying, however, is the fact that when Clinton checked his VCR, which he "distinctly remembers" setting to tape the show, he found the unit turned off and eerily flashing "12:00."

"Someone, or something," Clinton said, "has the power to break into the Oval Office and turn off my VCR without any Secret Service agents noticing. Do you now begin to see what we're dealing with? The implications are staggering."

"Had my VCR worked, I would have had more than 44 minutes—not including commercials—of hard, irrefutable evidence of these alien conspiracies," Clinton continued. "It was all right there—eyewitness accounts, video footage of the alien leader exiting a UFO, even a taped confession by FBI assistant director Walter Skinner, whom the aliens brainwashed into killing his ex-wife. But now I can't prove anything."

In addition to firing his cabinet, as an added security measure Clinton has demanded that he himself be placed under close observation for the next month. As per his own orders, the president will be kept under 24-hour watch by Secret Service officials to ensure that he is not being levitated out of his window at night and brainwashed by alien forces to commit major acts of treason in an unconscious, trancelike state.

"They may have gotten me too, and I may not even know it," said Clinton, who also demanded that he be given a full EMR scan to check for possible subcortical brain implants. "The technology these aliens possess is beyond anything we humans have ever seen."

Despite the many unanswered questions about the alien conspiracy, the president is confident that he will learn the full story next Sunday night.

"At the end of last Sunday's episode, I stayed tuned for scenes from next week's X-Files, which I firmly believe will be the thrilling conclusion of a special two-part episode," Clinton said. "And according to the preview's voice-over narrator, nothing can prepare me for what will be revealed on the program."