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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Clinton Forced To Kneel Before Zod

WASHINGTON, DC—In a formal Oval Office ceremony Monday, President Clinton was stripped of his authority as leader of the free world, forced to kneel before noted Kryptonian despot General Zod. Zod—who recently escaped eternal imprisonment in the Phantom Zone along with companions Ursa and Non—reportedly employed force rays, super-breath and an ability to fly to subdue Army personnel assigned to protect Clinton before taking command of the nation and, by extension, the planet. Several hours later, Clinton was further humiliated by being forced to read a Zod-written concession speech before a global television audience. The president regained some dignity by briefly defying Zod, interrupting the prepared statement to shout, "Superman! Where are you?" into the camera. The Earth is widely believed to be entering a New Order of tyranny and darkness.

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