Clinton Gets Tough On Crime With New 'Get Tough On Crime' Stickers

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Vol 31 Issue 13

Woman Injured In Hostile Makeover

NEW YORK—Area resident Julie Milner is in stable condition following a hostile makeover Monday. According to witnesses, Milner was looking at mascara at the Elizabeth Arden cosmetics counter at Macy's when several salespeople violently descended upon her, applying thick coats of rouge and eye shadow until she fell unconscious. "It was horrible," witness Stacie Hull said. "They had her in autumn colors, and she was obviously a winter."

Congress Raises Killing Age To 19

WASHINGTON, DC—Making good on a promise to curb juvenile crime, Congress passed legislation Monday making it illegal for anyone under 19 to commit murder. "If you kill someone, your parents will be notified and you may even spend time in jail," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS). Previously, murderers as young as 14, depending on state of residence, were considered to be acting within the law. President Clinton approved the bill, though he had recently threatened to veto it if youths between 16 and 19 were not granted certain killing privileges with parental consent.

Police Sketch Artist Admits To Only Drawing People Who Have Wronged Him

HOUSTON—Dozens of wrongful arrests were brought to light Saturday, as longtime Houston Police Department sketch artist Daniel Lampert confessed that for years he had used his artistic skill to indict innocent people who had angered him. "Remember that serial rapist eight years ago? That was a sketch of my neighbor," Lampert told reporters. "Son of a bitch wouldn't leash his dog." Lampert also revealed that Houston's notorious heroin kingpin Brad Manning, arrested hours after his sketch was completed, stole Lampert's girlfriend in college. "Jerk thought he was so big," Lampert said. "Showed him."

Indonesian Nine-Year-Old Loves To Volunteer

SURABAYA, INDONESIA—They don't come much more dedicated than nine-year-old Sibu Sandakan. Unlike most boys his age, who would rather spend their free time skateboarding or hanging out at the mall, this generous youngster spends every chance he gets doing volunteer work.

The McVeigh Trial

With the Oklahoma City bombing trial about to begin, many observers are questioning whether defendant Timothy McVeigh—the subject of intense media scrutiny for nearly two years—can get a fair trial before an unbiased jury. What do you think?

High-Definition Television Promises Sharper Crap

WASHINGTON, DC—In the most dramatic leap in television technology since the advent of color in the 1950s, on Monday the FCC approved a 10-year plan to shift to digital, high-definition TV, technology which will make barely watchable crap far sharper and more detailed than ever before.
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Clinton Gets Tough On Crime With New 'Get Tough On Crime' Stickers

WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold move designed to halt the spread of violent crime in America, President Clinton unveiled his new "Get Tough On Crime" sticker campaign Monday.

President Clinton announces new 'Get Tough On Crime' stickers with police force.

"We must send a strong message to the nation's criminals," said Clinton, displaying one of the new 3x6-inch stickers before an assemblage of reporters and law-enforcement officials. "These stickers, emblazoned with the phrase 'Get Tough On Crime!' will send a loud-and-clear message to all potential lawbreakers that crime will not be tolerated."

According to Clinton, the stickers, which feature a special "E-Z Peel" tab on the back to increase ease of peeling, should reduce crime by up to 75 percent when prominently displayed at eye level in high-crime areas.

"To those who would ignore the stickers, be warned," said Clinton, speaking directly into the television camera. "This sticker is extremely adhesive. And its message is printed in bold, upper-case, two-color type. This is not a mere show of concern. It is a serious deterrent to criminals everywhere."

A tougher version of the sticker is currently being developed for use in particularly dangerous areas. The stickers will be one square inch larger than the current ones, and will feature glitter over the words "Tough" and "Crime."

All residents of high-risk areas will also be issued a "Personal Defense Kit," which includes a set of 10 emergency-only stickers that they may apply to a nearby wall or lamp post if violently attacked.

Hoodlums assault a driver in a dangerous section of Los Angeles. In the future, such motorists would be protected by an anti-crime sticker prominently displayed in their vehicle's front window.

Clinton is so confident the program will work, he says he will cut police-department budgets across the nation by 70 percent. "By the end of the year," Clinton said, "more than 100,000 police officers will be off the streets."

Despite the president's enthusiasm, many criminologists feel the program is flawed. "These stickers, while effective during the daytime, are simply not visible at night, when most crime occurs," said Georgetown University professor of criminology Anderson H. Balcomb.

In response to Balcomb, Clinton said he has already approved legislation allocating $200 million for "the development of a special 'glow-in-the-dark' sticker that will be clearly visible in dangerous, poorly lit areas after being held up to a bright light for three minutes."

To enforce the sticker program, a U.S. Sticker Czar position has been created. "The Sticker Czar will run my new crime-fighting program," Clinton said. "And he will maintain an open-door policy through which all Americans may help themselves to the stickers free of charge by entering his office and taking one from the pile on his desk."

Law enforcement officials praised the new strategy. "Stickers have always been a powerful weapon in the hands of the police," Baltimore chief of police Roy Quinlan said. "When we applied stickers saying, 'Help Keep A Kid Off Drugs' to our patrol cars, drug use by young people immediately ceased."

To increase awareness of the program among young people, Friends stars Lisa Kudrow and Matthew Perry have been enlisted to film a 30-second promotional spot. The short segment, titled Stick 'Em Up! will air during ABC's popular After School Specials.

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