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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Clinton 'Glad To Be Back In Civilization Again'

WASHINGTON, DC—Returning from a historic ten-day, six-nation visit to Africa, President Clinton announced Wednesday that he is "glad to finally be back in civilization." Said Clinton: "While this was an important visit to an all-too-often overlooked region of the world, I cannot tell you how good it is to be back in a place where I can get a decent sandwich and don't have to worry about being eaten by rhinos. And you would not believe the bathrooms over there: In Rwanda, I had to hold it in until I reached a country with indoor plumbing. And if you're looking to relax and watch a little TV in Botswana, forget about it." Clinton stressed that, despite the continent's profound lack of comforts, much was accomplished on the trip. "I am optimistic that a greater bridge of understanding can be built between the fascinating and diverse people of Africa and regular people," he said.

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