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Clinton 'Glad To Be Back In Civilization Again'

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

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PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

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Clinton 'Glad To Be Back In Civilization Again'

WASHINGTON, DC—Returning from a historic ten-day, six-nation visit to Africa, President Clinton announced Wednesday that he is "glad to finally be back in civilization." Said Clinton: "While this was an important visit to an all-too-often overlooked region of the world, I cannot tell you how good it is to be back in a place where I can get a decent sandwich and don't have to worry about being eaten by rhinos. And you would not believe the bathrooms over there: In Rwanda, I had to hold it in until I reached a country with indoor plumbing. And if you're looking to relax and watch a little TV in Botswana, forget about it." Clinton stressed that, despite the continent's profound lack of comforts, much was accomplished on the trip. "I am optimistic that a greater bridge of understanding can be built between the fascinating and diverse people of Africa and regular people," he said.

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