Clinton Googles Self

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Vol 39 Issue 48

Christmas Pageant Enters Pre-Production

SAGINAW, MI—With the holiday season in full swing, the St. John's Lutheran Church Annual Christmas Pageant went into pre-production Monday. "We just hired a set builder and a location scout, and I'm looking for leads on a Mary Magdalene, because Mrs. Halverson is out with the gout this year," said church deacon Paul Verriter. "Now, all we need to do is wait for Pastor Dave [Genzler] to give his final notes on the script, and we're off and running." Verriter said he needs Genzler's approval before he can hire a team of writers to punch up the arrival of the shepherds.

Stick Shift Bragged About

NEW YORK—Sources say Gary Baumgarten, an accountant in the bursar's office at Barnard College, introduced his stick shift into the conversation again Monday. "Traffic was murder over the Verrazano Bridge this morning," Baumgarten said. "Especially driving that five-speed. But a stick is the only way to go. Of course." Later that day, Baumgarten touted his stick shift during conversations about San Francisco, taxi drivers, and the drive-thru at Taco Bell.

Baby Boring

TAMARAC, FL—Michelle, the three-week-old daughter of area residents Sue and Allen McKay, is "unbelievably boring," sources close to the couple said Monday. "Sue's always raving about how amazing Michelle is," friend Elena Jacobs said. "But then you meet her, and she barely moves. Who knows? Maybe Michelle is an incredibly charming and engaging little mastermind during the 20 minutes each day that she's awake and not crying." Jacobs added that Michelle must have been born with her mother's eyes and her father's total lack of personality.

Drunken Episode A Repeat

PARMA, OH—Sunday's episode involving drunken house-party guest Philip Welz was a repeat, guests reported. "I couldn't bear to watch it again," Robert Joffe said. "Sure, some parts, like when Phil pees in front of everyone, or when he pretends to have sex with the pets, are sort of entertaining the second time around, but on the whole, it was pretty tough to sit through twice." Joffe left the party early in order to avoid the episode's final moments, when Welz pukes on himself and passes out.

Neurosurgeon Heckled From Observation Deck

HOUSTON—Dr. Martin Kenneth Rinjipur, a neurosurgeon at Methodist Hospital, was heckled from the observation deck Monday after removing a cancerous tumor from a patient's occipital lobe. "You call that closing an incision?" the unidentified man shouted. "I could make a cleaner suture with 15 centimeters of frayed chromic gut and a pair of barbecue tongs. Go back to Johns Hopkins." Rinjipur did his best to act like he had not heard the comments.

Chicago Out Of Names For Subdivisions

CHICAGO—According to city planners, Chicago has run out of new names for its subdivisions. "It was bound to happen sooner or later," Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley said at a Monday press conference in front of City Hall. "Oak Dale Springs, Whispering Pines, Stonewood Creek... We have used every tree, body of water, and living thing in the almanac. You don't have to drive all the way out to Kevin Acres to know we need a new naming system." Daley announced that, beginning in 2004, all new housing developments in the Chicago area will be numbered with a positive integer.
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Clinton Googles Self

NEW YORK—Citing curiosity as his primary motive, Bill Clinton typed his own name into the popular search engine Google.com during a lull in his daily activities, the former president reported Monday.

Clinton browses the Internet in his Harlem office.

"I had no idea I would get 2,790,000 results!" Clinton said while seated before the Apple PowerBook in his Harlem office. "Besides all the news articles, there were encyclopedia entries, links to Amazon for books about me, and tons of photos, too. I even came across some frame captures from those Rock The Vote shows I did back in 1992. I'm going to take a couple of those and make them my desktop picture, once I figure out how to tile them."

Although Clinton said he'd always assumed there was material about him on the Internet, his busy schedule prevented him from exploring it sooner.

"When I was president, people would sometimes mention an article about me on Slate or CNN.com, but I was too busy to read about myself then," Clinton said. "Out of the blue, though, I thought I'd just see what was out there in cyberspace about me. I'd just been sitting around playing online Mah Jongg, anyway. "

"I never knew there was a Bill Clinton Joke-A-Day site," Clinton said after opening his Internet browser, typing in "Bill Clinton," and clicking the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

"I should forward this to Hillary," Clinton said. "She'd get a kick out of some of these. Hmm... She might not find that one too funny."

After quickly closing the page, Clinton said he was surprised by the number of humor sites devoted to him.

"I found a Clinton-sex crossword puzzle, a web site for something called the 'Clinton Dance,' and this one where you can warp my face," Clinton said. "My favorite site was Sincerelybill.com, where you can make a video of me saying stuff. I sent one to [Clinton's former Secretary of Agriculture] Dan Glickman. It said, 'I'm a consideration. We've testified to watching inappropriate neighbors.' He's gonna love that."

"There's only about 200 words to choose from, so it's a little weird," Clinton added.

Clinton said he was delighted to find content about himself on several of the sites he regularly visits, like Infoplease.com and Encyclopedia.com.

"I never knew that I was on the Internet Movie Database," Clinton said. "I'm just a politician, not an actor, but there are 76 movies in my filmography. They have me down for JAG and Bill Clinton: Rock & Roll President. Officially, I'm listed as Jodie Foster's co-star for my appearance in Contact. That's pretty cool."

Clinton said his web search left him nostalgic for his presidency.

Clinton looks at one "Bill Clinton" link returned by his Google search.

"My years in the White House were such a whirlwind that it's hard to remember all the stuff that happened," Clinton said. "But going through these pages really brings back the good times. I found some really nice pictures of Al [Gore] and me on there, and some cute ones of Buddy."

"There are so many articles, too. I want to read them all," Clinton said. "Well, some are kinda boring. But it's still amazing, just to see how much information is out there. They have where I went to college, my favorite foods, my parents' names. It's wild."

Clinton added that, as he progressed through the pages devoted to himself, he found some "other Bill Clintons."

"There's this other Bill Clinton who's a big Hendrix fan," Clinton said. "There's another one that books gay cruises, and another one that ran for county coroner in Iowa. There are a lot of other guys with my name out there, all across America. Kinda neat, huh?"

The former president said he refined his search by entering "William Jefferson Clinton" and "42nd President of the United States Bill Clinton," into Google, but the combinations returned results much like those from his original search.

Clinton then started to add qualifiers, searching for "Bill Clinton + my inspiration" and "Bill Clinton + sax."

"The 'Clinton + hot' search was disappointing," Clinton said. "It turned up a few Arkansas tourism pages that listed Hot Springs [AR] as 'The hometown of Bill Clinton.' Or it brought up porn sites that had nothing to do with me."

Clinton said he considered the use of other search engines, like Ask Jeeves, but ultimately decided to do so only after he's satisfied that no new information can be found on Google.

"I've only gone through the first couple hundred web sites, and I still haven't used the 'groups' or the 'directory' search options," Clinton said. "I'll probably do that next. I remember I once stumbled on a chat room devoted to discussions about my presidency. Maybe I should pose as a conservative Republican and find out what people really think about me. That might be fun."

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