Clinton Grants Hot 101.5 FM Most-Favored Station Status

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Vol 31 Issue 07

Ask A Salmon

Ask A Salmon is a weekly syndicated advice column that appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide

Pile Of Crap Excites Publicist

NEW YORK—Thomas Hill, publicist for the Scarsdale & Loeb Group, expressed his excitement over a great big pile of crap Thursday. "I'm really excited about the marketing possibilities for this enormous heap of worthless crap," said Hill. "There's a lot of buzz in Hollywood about it. Confidentially, Paramount has expressed interest. I think crap is going to be big in '97, and this promises to be some of the best crap yet. It's really fresh and exciting stuff." Hill was paid $600 by the crap's agent for the minute-long remark.

Congress Orders Clerk To See If He Has Any In The Back

WASHINGTON, DC—Retail clerk Tony Bellarusso was ordered by the U.S. Congress Monday to see if he has any in the back. "See if you have any more in the back, would you?" said Rep. Daniel Gable (R-FL) as he slapped the store countertop angrily. If no more are in the back, Beltway insiders predict Congress will check that other place down on Massachusetts Avenue.

Dancing Costumed Midgets Celebrate Death Of Deng Xiaoping

MUNCHKINLAND, OZ—Elated Munchkins celebrated the release of their Chinese protectorate province Wednesday following the death of Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping Sunday. "Deng, Deng, Xiaoping is dead," sang a choreographed crowd of whimsical, somersaulting dwarves upon hearing the announcement of Deng's death. Deng, 92, succumbed to pneumonia, a condition exacerbated by his being crushed under a falling house. The Lollipop Guild has officially begun an investigation into the whereabouts of the drab uniform shoes Deng was wearing upon his death.

Baby, Please Don't Walk Out That Door

Aw, baby. Where you going? Please don't walk out that door. Don't walk out on Smoove B. He's the man who can make everything all right. He's the man who can make love to you all night.

My Teddy Bear Collection Is Fucking Great

You should see how many fucking teddy bears I have. I just can't get enough! Shit, last time I counted it was up to 150. I've got most of them in the bedroom, but I can hardly fit another goddamn thing in there, so I had to start putting them in the living room.

Stay Away From My Granddaughter Cornelia!

My granddaughter, Cornelia Josephine Agrippina Zweibel, recently had her coming-out ball, during which she managed to turn quite a few heads. Ever since that magnolia-scented evening, a considerable number of young gentlemen have been paying call to the Zweibel Estate. With ukuleles, portable Victrolas and boxes of sweetmeats in tow, these cheeky swains hope to eventually win Cornelia's lovely hand, much to my great dismay.

Should Car Phones Be Banned?

A number of public-safety groups are lobbying Congress to pass legislation banning car phones, calling them dangerous and distracting to the driver. What do you think?
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Business

Clinton Grants Hot 101.5 FM Most-Favored Station Status

WASHINGTON, DC—With station manager Kathy Adamle and several top DJs looking on, President Clinton signed into law Monday a measure granting radio station WXJK, or "Hot" 101.5 FM, most-favored station status.

Station employees proudly watch as President Clinton approves a measure granting D.C.'s Hot 101 FM most-favored station status.

"Hot 101 plays all the hits," Clinton said. "And they shall be treated accordingly."

As a result of the designation, the station—D.C.'s number-one choice for non-stop classic rock—will receive preferential treatment on all White House and Capitol Building stereos and boom boxes. Even if there is a commercial on Hot 101, the radios will remain tuned to the station.

"It has long been clear that Hot 101 rocks, and, for that matter, rocks hard," Clinton said. "Playing classic cuts from Fleetwood Mac, The Who, Eric Clapton, The Doors, Peter Frampton and others, there is little doubt that the long-term diplomatic goals of the U.S. are best served by Hot 101 and its impressive roster of on-air radio personalities."

According to Clinton, Hot 101's primary advantage over its chief competitor, WLTE 98.3 FM, is that Lite 98, despite its catchy slogan, "Turn On The Lite," plays "pussy music."

Hot 101 FM in Washington, D.C.

In addition to receiving preference on Capitol Hill radios, WXJK will enjoy extensive sponsorship opportunities. Among promotions already planned: a pre-Medicare reform vote concert party featuring DJ "Danger" Dan Matthews; a Styx concert-ticket giveaway at next Monday's Senate Finance Committee meeting; and, most eagerly anticipated of all, a Hot 101-sponsored invasion of Nicaragua.

In addition, the Hot 101 Party Patrol van will be parked in front of the Capitol whenever Congress is in session, giving away free bumper stickers to legislators.

"I look forward to a long and fruitful relationship between the United States of America and Hot 101," Clinton said. "I also look forward to another hour-long set of the best classic rock, kicking off in just a few minutes with The Doobie Brothers and The Guess Who."

Station employees were equally excited by Monday's signing. "As long as the government of the United States continues to express a willingness to be rocked," Adamle said, "then Hot 101 will keep on rocking it, rocking it all night long if need be."

Added zany morning DJ "Mad Dog" Mark Krantz: "Hopefully we'll get to have President Clinton on the air—and her husband too!" Krantz's irreverent remark regarding the First Lady reflects his no-holds-barred, in-your-face approach, station executives explained.

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