adBlockCheck

Politics

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
End Of Section
  • More News

Clinton Grants Hot 101.5 FM Most-Favored Station Status

WASHINGTON, DC—With station manager Kathy Adamle and several top DJs looking on, President Clinton signed into law Monday a measure granting radio station WXJK, or "Hot" 101.5 FM, most-favored station status.

Station employees proudly watch as President Clinton approves a measure granting D.C.'s Hot 101 FM most-favored station status.

"Hot 101 plays all the hits," Clinton said. "And they shall be treated accordingly."

As a result of the designation, the station—D.C.'s number-one choice for non-stop classic rock—will receive preferential treatment on all White House and Capitol Building stereos and boom boxes. Even if there is a commercial on Hot 101, the radios will remain tuned to the station.

"It has long been clear that Hot 101 rocks, and, for that matter, rocks hard," Clinton said. "Playing classic cuts from Fleetwood Mac, The Who, Eric Clapton, The Doors, Peter Frampton and others, there is little doubt that the long-term diplomatic goals of the U.S. are best served by Hot 101 and its impressive roster of on-air radio personalities."

According to Clinton, Hot 101's primary advantage over its chief competitor, WLTE 98.3 FM, is that Lite 98, despite its catchy slogan, "Turn On The Lite," plays "pussy music."

Hot 101 FM in Washington, D.C.

In addition to receiving preference on Capitol Hill radios, WXJK will enjoy extensive sponsorship opportunities. Among promotions already planned: a pre-Medicare reform vote concert party featuring DJ "Danger" Dan Matthews; a Styx concert-ticket giveaway at next Monday's Senate Finance Committee meeting; and, most eagerly anticipated of all, a Hot 101-sponsored invasion of Nicaragua.

In addition, the Hot 101 Party Patrol van will be parked in front of the Capitol whenever Congress is in session, giving away free bumper stickers to legislators.

"I look forward to a long and fruitful relationship between the United States of America and Hot 101," Clinton said. "I also look forward to another hour-long set of the best classic rock, kicking off in just a few minutes with The Doobie Brothers and The Guess Who."

Station employees were equally excited by Monday's signing. "As long as the government of the United States continues to express a willingness to be rocked," Adamle said, "then Hot 101 will keep on rocking it, rocking it all night long if need be."

Added zany morning DJ "Mad Dog" Mark Krantz: "Hopefully we'll get to have President Clinton on the air—and her husband too!" Krantz's irreverent remark regarding the First Lady reflects his no-holds-barred, in-your-face approach, station executives explained.

More from this section

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close