Clinton Holds Summit With Magic Turtle

Top Headlines


Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims

Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close

ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Clinton Holds Summit With Magic Turtle

WASHINGTON, DC—Crime, health care and campaign finance reform were the top issues on the agenda for President Clinton's breakfast meeting with a magic turtle at the White House Monday.

Clinton and the magic turtle discuss U.S.-Chinese trade policy, as well as pixie issues.

Government insiders say the turtle, in Washington for a brief visit before returning to his Enchanted Gooseberry Glade, is the administration's leading hope for solutions to some of the top issues facing the nation. The White House also hopes the magic turtle's powers can be harnessed to protect the U.S. from spells cast by forest trolls.

"The magic turtle brings a lot to the table," Clinton said in a special press briefing following the one-hour meeting. "In addition to his foreign policy expertise, he has over 300 years of experience dealing with Magic Pond trade issues and knowledge of over 800 fanciful riddles."

Clinton particularly praised the magic turtle's insight on problems facing Polly The Polywog and her happy band of music-making lilypad pals.

According to a report published in Tuesday's Washington Post, talks began shortly after the turtle instructed Clinton to rub his magic shell.

"Once his magic turtle shell was rubbed, the magic turtle offered Clinton the secret locations of over a dozen 'lucky shrubs,'" the story reported.

Clinton made special note of a make-believe patch of happy-charm sprouts in the turtle's Enchanted Glade. "These are magic weeds which could offer solutions to any number of problems facing the nation," Clinton said.

Washington insiders believe Clinton will use the lucky shrubs to charm Congress into passage of key budget reforms this year.

When Clinton raised the issue of inner-city violence, the turtle responded that the key to solving the problem is "a golden key with a sparkling, ringed handle that has been hidden at the bottom of the Magic Pond from the Beautiful Princess for more than 600 years."

An elite Navy S.E.A.L. Search and Destroy squad has been dispatched to the Sleepytime Pond to retrieve the key, sources say.

In return for his valuable domestic and foreign policy advice, the magic turtle has asked Clinton to find Mr. Magician's Cave Of Wonder, where yummy gumdrops float down cranberry streams. As an incentive for him to do so, the turtle offered Clinton "a wesket pouch of golden fairy-plums."

According to Secretary of State Madeline Albright, the magic turtle is also requesting U.S. military assistance in resolving ongoing tensions with his arch-nemesis, the Wicked Goose, ruler of Scaryland.

"We are currently negotiating with the turtle in order to determine how much military force the United States is willing to commit to a potential armed conflict against Scaryland's goblin minions."

Clinton praised the turtle for his "great wisdom" and "fancy hat."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close