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Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Clinton Holds Summit With Magic Turtle

WASHINGTON, DC—Crime, health care and campaign finance reform were the top issues on the agenda for President Clinton's breakfast meeting with a magic turtle at the White House Monday.

Clinton and the magic turtle discuss U.S.-Chinese trade policy, as well as pixie issues.

Government insiders say the turtle, in Washington for a brief visit before returning to his Enchanted Gooseberry Glade, is the administration's leading hope for solutions to some of the top issues facing the nation. The White House also hopes the magic turtle's powers can be harnessed to protect the U.S. from spells cast by forest trolls.

"The magic turtle brings a lot to the table," Clinton said in a special press briefing following the one-hour meeting. "In addition to his foreign policy expertise, he has over 300 years of experience dealing with Magic Pond trade issues and knowledge of over 800 fanciful riddles."

Clinton particularly praised the magic turtle's insight on problems facing Polly The Polywog and her happy band of music-making lilypad pals.

According to a report published in Tuesday's Washington Post, talks began shortly after the turtle instructed Clinton to rub his magic shell.

"Once his magic turtle shell was rubbed, the magic turtle offered Clinton the secret locations of over a dozen 'lucky shrubs,'" the story reported.

Clinton made special note of a make-believe patch of happy-charm sprouts in the turtle's Enchanted Glade. "These are magic weeds which could offer solutions to any number of problems facing the nation," Clinton said.

Washington insiders believe Clinton will use the lucky shrubs to charm Congress into passage of key budget reforms this year.

When Clinton raised the issue of inner-city violence, the turtle responded that the key to solving the problem is "a golden key with a sparkling, ringed handle that has been hidden at the bottom of the Magic Pond from the Beautiful Princess for more than 600 years."

An elite Navy S.E.A.L. Search and Destroy squad has been dispatched to the Sleepytime Pond to retrieve the key, sources say.

In return for his valuable domestic and foreign policy advice, the magic turtle has asked Clinton to find Mr. Magician's Cave Of Wonder, where yummy gumdrops float down cranberry streams. As an incentive for him to do so, the turtle offered Clinton "a wesket pouch of golden fairy-plums."

According to Secretary of State Madeline Albright, the magic turtle is also requesting U.S. military assistance in resolving ongoing tensions with his arch-nemesis, the Wicked Goose, ruler of Scaryland.

"We are currently negotiating with the turtle in order to determine how much military force the United States is willing to commit to a potential armed conflict against Scaryland's goblin minions."

Clinton praised the turtle for his "great wisdom" and "fancy hat."

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