Clinton Holds Summit With Magic Turtle

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Vol 31 Issue 05

Style Replaces Substance

In a change years in the making, style officially replaced substance Monday, tipping artistic balance of power from deep, meaningful expression to glossy, superficial artifice. "Form has finally assumed its rightful place as the driving force in the creative process," said Harv Nevitt of Style magazine. "No more time will be wasted on genuinely substantive content." Style is expected to reign supreme over substance until style itself becomes substance, when it will be replaced by an even more vacant form of style.

Government Squandering Social Security Funds On Cake

WASHINGTON, DC—An independent panel revealed Friday that Congress is squandering the nation's $80 billion Social Security reserves on cake. According to the panel report, some of the cake was served in "extra-large helpings," sparking outrage among taxpayers. Cake-related abuse of funds will be further investigated by a congressional subcommittee, headed by Sen. John Ashcroft (R-MO), who reportedly "does not like cake."

Paramount Home Video Pleased To Bring Man Feature Presentation

SOMERVILLE, MA—Paramount Pictures CEO Jerry Rubin announced Monday that his company is pleased to present Beverly Hills Cop 2 to Somerville-area home-video rental consumer Nathan DeGaetano, 36. Said Rubin, "I know I speak for everyone here at Paramount Pictures when I say that we are pleased to present this terrific Paramount Home Video release starring Eddie Murphy and Judge Reinhold to Mr. DeGaetano." Paramount will personally convey this sentiment to DeGaetano with a colorful, computer-generated image of a mountain and a professionally pre-recorded message immediately preceding the feature presentation.

Felt Board Adds Clarity To Christ's Teachings

WILMINGTON, NC—A felt board made the teachings of Jesus Christ clear and easy to understand for the sixth-graders attending Sunday school at Holy Redeemer Catholic Church Sunday. "The white block letters velcroed onto the felt board helped me to understand that I will burn in hell if I sin," said Brian Klesko, 12. Sunday school teacher Helene Hildebrant used the felt board because of the children's natural interest in both colorful objects and fuzziness. "I decided that the concepts of ritualized cannibalistic consumption of Christ's body and blood and the condemnation of all non-Christian peoples to eternal suffering in Hell would be easier for today's children to understand if presented in a fun and colorful medium such as a felt board."

Military Hazing

The U.S. military has come under fire for hazing recently, most notably for a controversial videotape depicting Marines "pinning" new recruits, stabbing medals into their chests. What do you think?

I Don't Miss My Arms

It's been almost two years since the auto accident, but you know what? I don't miss my arms at all!
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Clinton Holds Summit With Magic Turtle

WASHINGTON, DC—Crime, health care and campaign finance reform were the top issues on the agenda for President Clinton's breakfast meeting with a magic turtle at the White House Monday.

Clinton and the magic turtle discuss U.S.-Chinese trade policy, as well as pixie issues.

Government insiders say the turtle, in Washington for a brief visit before returning to his Enchanted Gooseberry Glade, is the administration's leading hope for solutions to some of the top issues facing the nation. The White House also hopes the magic turtle's powers can be harnessed to protect the U.S. from spells cast by forest trolls.

"The magic turtle brings a lot to the table," Clinton said in a special press briefing following the one-hour meeting. "In addition to his foreign policy expertise, he has over 300 years of experience dealing with Magic Pond trade issues and knowledge of over 800 fanciful riddles."

Clinton particularly praised the magic turtle's insight on problems facing Polly The Polywog and her happy band of music-making lilypad pals.

According to a report published in Tuesday's Washington Post, talks began shortly after the turtle instructed Clinton to rub his magic shell.

"Once his magic turtle shell was rubbed, the magic turtle offered Clinton the secret locations of over a dozen 'lucky shrubs,'" the story reported.

Clinton made special note of a make-believe patch of happy-charm sprouts in the turtle's Enchanted Glade. "These are magic weeds which could offer solutions to any number of problems facing the nation," Clinton said.

Washington insiders believe Clinton will use the lucky shrubs to charm Congress into passage of key budget reforms this year.

When Clinton raised the issue of inner-city violence, the turtle responded that the key to solving the problem is "a golden key with a sparkling, ringed handle that has been hidden at the bottom of the Magic Pond from the Beautiful Princess for more than 600 years."

An elite Navy S.E.A.L. Search and Destroy squad has been dispatched to the Sleepytime Pond to retrieve the key, sources say.

In return for his valuable domestic and foreign policy advice, the magic turtle has asked Clinton to find Mr. Magician's Cave Of Wonder, where yummy gumdrops float down cranberry streams. As an incentive for him to do so, the turtle offered Clinton "a wesket pouch of golden fairy-plums."

According to Secretary of State Madeline Albright, the magic turtle is also requesting U.S. military assistance in resolving ongoing tensions with his arch-nemesis, the Wicked Goose, ruler of Scaryland.

"We are currently negotiating with the turtle in order to determine how much military force the United States is willing to commit to a potential armed conflict against Scaryland's goblin minions."

Clinton praised the turtle for his "great wisdom" and "fancy hat."

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