Clinton Injected With Highly Unstable Experimental Growth Serum

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Vol 35 Issue 22

Woodstock '99 Revenue Projections Displayed On Multi-Colored, Laminated Boards Somewhere In L.A.

LOS ANGELES—Revenue projections for Woodstock '99 were recently displayed on laminated, multi-colored boards somewhere in L.A., it can safely be assumed. "Success of previous Woodstock ventures combined with media interest in the festival's 30th anniversary spells maximum name recognition for Woodstock in the year 1999," a man wearing a suit probably said while standing at the head of a 12th-floor glass-walled conference room in one of those big office buildings there. "The soundtrack album in particular shows potential for high returns in both urban and suburban markets." At the same time, 3,000 tie-dyed Woodstock '99 T-shirts were being manufactured in one of those Indonesian factories.

Guatemalan Earthquake Registers 0.3 On Area Man's Consciousness

PEORIA, IL—A massive earthquake with a current death toll of 206 hit Antigua, Guatemala Tuesday, registering 0.3 on the consciousness of local banking assistant Ed Zurlo. "Oh, yeah, there was something about that on The Today Show," said Zurlo, paging through a book of the upholstery samples available for his new Toyota Camry. "They had that tornado or flood or whatever down there in South America." Zurlo, who was also dimly aware of such previous disasters as Hurricane Mitch-related flooding in Honduras and the Lockerbie, Scotland, crash of Pan Am Flight 103, said he will likely select the burnt-cocoa crushed velour.

Mrs. Butterworth's Bottle Central To Terrifying LSD Experience

ATHENS, GA—An anthropomorphic container of Mrs. Butterworth's-brand maple syrup took on nightmarish qualities for University of Georgia sophomore Kevin Duffy, 20, Tuesday during a harrowing, LSD-induced hallucination. "She was talkin' to me, man," the visibly shaken Duffy said following the four-hour experience. "I was zoning out on the linoleum patterns in the kitchenette when I heard this soothing, matronly voice. Then I saw her, gently gliding across the countertop and gesturing eerily with her tiny, translucent arms." Duffy's terror, he said, reached a fever pitch at approximately 4 a.m., when the parameters of four-dimensional space-time began closing in around him "like a waffle iron." "She took off the top of her head, man," Duffy said, "and there was this amorphous, semitransparent mass inside, sticking to me no matter how hard I tried to escape."

Area Man Refuses To Accept Bus-Route Change

LUBBOCK, TX—After three years of catching the bus to work at the corner of 4th and Houston, area resident Willard Dawes refused to accept the Lubbock Area Transit System's reworking of its weekday route, which had been clearly delineated in several flyers. "The C bus should've been here at 3:18," Dawes said Monday, standing on the sidewalk in front of the MovieTime video store, two blocks east of the new pick-up point. "I know it will show up. I just have to wait longer." The change is the most jarring event in Dawes' LATS ridership since 1998, when a fender bender with a taxi seriously shook his faith in Chuck, the eight-to-four weekday driver.

A La Recherche Du Temps Stupide

I was recently informed that the Twentieth-Century is nearly at an end, which astonishes me, because it seems like just yesterday that I was toasting its genesis in New-York's Winter Garden with Harry Houdini, Stanford White, the Floradora Girls, and Mutt & Jeff. Well, I hope you bastards all had fun this century, because I spent the latter half of it confined to a dank, fetid bed-chamber while having my urethra scraped.

I'm Thinking About Cutting Back On The Weed

Hola, amigos. What's up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a lot of problems lately. First off, I been slaving trying to find a new job. The last time you heard from me, I was moving furniture. Well, a few weeks ago I was out for a night of partying with Ron, and before you know it, it was 2 in the morning and we were still going strong. Since it was a work night, and I like to drink responsibly, I was taking it easy on the beer. The weed was flowing like water, though.

Cybercrime

Last week, computer hackers altered several U.S. government web sites, causing the temporary shutdown of Internet servers including those for the FBI, the Department Of The Interior, and the White House. Why did the hackers launch the attack?

Everyone Doing It, Schoolyard Sources Allege

CHESAPEAKE, VA—According to top-level schoolyard sources, everyone is doing it. "Come on, we all do it," an older kid said Tuesday, speaking on condition of anonymity. "What are you, scared?" Anyone choosing not to do it may be subjected to an intensifying campaign of "bock-bock" chicken noises, students standing by the fence warned.

I Believe The Robots Are Our Future

Though we live in uncertain times, we must not forget that the most important thing in life is the legacy we will leave behind for future generations. It is not for our sake, but for theirs, that we must preserve and protect the basic values we hold dear. As we foolishly pursue our short-sighted goals at the expense of those who will follow in our footsteps, we must pause and be mindful of the little ones, our progeny, who will inherit our planet in the next millennium and beyond. Time and time again, gazing into the innocent, trusting photoelectric receptors of a tiny, newly developed cybernetic construct, I am reminded of a fundamental truth: I believe the robots are our future, and we must teach them well and let them lead the way.
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Clinton Injected With Highly Unstable Experimental Growth Serum

WASHINGTON, DC—Forced to take desperate measures in a last-minute attempt to avert disaster and save the free world, President Clinton ordered top military scientists to inject his body with a highly unstable experimental growth serum Monday.

Military scientists prepare to inject Clinton with the controversial superdrug.

"Earth is threatened on every side by danger. We must act now to save humanity," Clinton said in a prepared statement prior to receiving the untested super-serum. "Our rapidly fragmenting societal infrastructure faces myriad crises: drugs in our streets, guns in our schools, economic collapse in Asia, military aggression in Europe, and global environmental destruction creating an unstoppable army of six-legged mutant frogs. If nothing is done, disaster is imminent."

"This experiment, risky as it is, is a gamble I cannot afford not to take," Clinton said. "It may be our only hope."

The serum, still considered "extremely dangerous" by Pentagon researchers, was originally developed as a means of creating the ultimate fighting machine of the future, but rejected when initial readings indicated that it was too unstable to test on human beings. Despite being warned of the potentially disastrous consequences, Clinton demanded to undergo the controversial procedure.

"It's the only way," Clinton said. "Someone has got to take the risk."

Strapped into a chair and surrounded by bleeping equipment and digital displays in a laboratory located beneath the city, at exactly midnight Clinton was injected with the serum known outside of Department Of Defense high command only by the code name "Project Proteus."

The injection took place as scheduled, despite the 11th-hour protests of the serum's creator, Dr. Emilio Zardoz.

"Don't do it, Mr. President! It hasn't been properly tested!" Zardoz shouted, bursting into the lab just as technicians moved toward Clinton with a syringe. "In the name of science, man—stop before it's too late!"

In the confusion, the military scientists hesitated, unsure of whether to proceed, but Clinton countermanded Zardoz's urgings.

"Inject the drug!" Clinton said. "That is a direct order from the president of the United States!" When his command was not immediately obeyed—exhibiting what the scientists later called "heroic determination against all odds"—the president struggled free of one of the straps, grabbed the syringe from a technician, and administered the injection himself.

"I tried to warn him," Zardoz later told reporters, wiping his brow with the sleeve of his lab coat. "God help me, what have I done? Has science birthed a benevolent superhuman champion to save us all—or an inhuman mutation?"

White House spokespersons acknowledge the great risk undertaken by Clinton, but insist that he made the decision because "he had no other choice."

"We admit that the Project Proteus superserum was extremely unstable, and still required extensive research before it could be ruled safe," press secretary Stephen Drachler said Tuesday morning. "Yet, as the president himself pointed out, that could have taken months, and there simply wasn't time. Our situation grows more grim with each passing moment."

Drachler continued: "The interest on the national debt continues to swell, causing Earth to spiral ever closer to the sun. Baron Milosevic, although defeated for now, may return unexpectedly in future episodes, augmented by a powerful new missile-equipped Serbi-Suit. Clinton had to act now, before his enemies in Congress, working in conjunction with the Squadron Of Evil, finally complete work on the dreaded Bureauchronic Ray."

Several White House associates, including Zardoz himself, had begged to undergo the injection in Clinton's place in order to protect the office of the president from potential side effects of bioplasmorphic mutation. They report that Clinton refused, maintaining a courageous, patriotic stoicism in the face of their emotional pleas.

"The people of this country elected me to do a job, and I can't turn my back on them," Clinton said. "This is my fight. I am the president, and the responsibility must come down to me and me alone."

The second Clinton injected himself with the glowing, bright-green substance, chaos and confusion engulfed the lab. Clinton began to uncontrollably convulse, bolts of electricity shot out of his eyes, and his head jerked backwards, every muscle in his body straining.

"Power! Power beyond all imagining!" Clinton shouted. "The tortures of the damned! The swirling abyss of the void! I gaze into the very eye of God!" All the computers in the room then simultaneously exploded, showering the president in sparks as he collapsed, unconscious.

Many political analysts have come forward to denounce Clinton's move as a "rash action."

"This scenario leaves many unanswered questions," said Harvard political-science professor F. Jacob Hinden. "Will the president mutate and become an evil 'Anti-Clinton'? Will his controversial environmental-clean-up and tax-reform initiatives continue to be blocked in the Senate? And meanwhile, back at H.Q., will Buddy's malfunctioning Negato-Collar render him permanently invisible?"

Clinton is currently under 24-hour supervision, with doctors waiting to see if the serum will infuse him with superpowers or kill him.

If all goes well, doctors say, the president is expected to develop supergenius brain capacity, enhanced reflexes and agility, and the power of flight. In the event the serum drives Clinton mad and he escapes to wreak havoc on innocents, the National Guard unit mobilized on the White House lawn has been ordered to shoot him on sight.

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