Clinton Makes Federal Budget Proposal More Dynamic With Color Charts From Kinko's

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Vol 31 Issue 20

Star Trek Introduces Alien Character With Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a move expected to spark debate and excitement among fans, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine producers announced Monday that next week a new alien character will appear on the show possessing "completely different" forehead wrinkles from those of any previous alien. According to make-up artist Rick Baker, "We're very excited to feature a character whose forehead wrinkles look nothing like those of either a Klingon or Romulan or Bajoran or Ferengi or Cardassian. They're like no other forehead wrinkles we've ever created."

Everything A Joke To Local Teen

KLAMATH FALLS, OR—It was revealed Tuesday that everything—from school work to Sunday church services, from requests to clean up his room to inquisitions regarding his future employment prospects—is a joke to area teen Denny Norris. "Everything's a joke to that punk," Denny's father, Walter Norris, said. "I asked him to mow the lawn two weeks ago, and just look at it. He'll go out with his friends, but when was the last time he helped out around here, for crying out loud?" In addition to categorizing all occurrences as jokes, Norris reportedly believes he is going to have it made in the shade forever. When asked for comment by reporters, Norris stated, "Yeah, I got a comment for you: Suck my ass." In speaking to the press, Norris did not identify himself by his given name, but rather by the alternate name of "Heywood Jablomi."

Rwandan Refugees Angered Over Lack Of AOL Access

BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO—A group of more than 100,000 Rwandan refugees, forced from their homes by war and ravaged by starvation, are now facing a new problem: the difficulty or outright inability to connect to America Online. "Last night I spent almost an hour trying to connect," Ndeti Mwana, 31, said, "and still I could not. I have not played NTN trivia in over a week." Countless other refugees are praying that they have not missed any important e-mail. AOL officials are working around the clock with the U.N.'s High Commission For Refugees to set up makeshift emergency e-mail stations along the Rwanda-Congo border. "I fear the gods have forsaken us," refugee Malanda Lumbushi said. "Will I ever chat with my e-pal, Vader1138, again?"

Heroin Chic

President Clinton spoke out last week against "heroin chic," the glamorization of heroin use through fashion ads depicting emaciated, strung-out-looking models. What do you think?
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Clinton Makes Federal Budget Proposal More Dynamic With Color Charts From Kinko's

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton wowed Congress with a revised balanced-budget proposal Monday, utilizing eye-catching, easy-to-read color charts printed at Kinko's to win over Republican opponents.

President Clinton impresses co-workers by using attractive, attention-grabbing color charts to clearly illustrate proposed changes to the federal budget.

"Thanks to my color highlights from Kinko's, as well as my use of their great 'large format' option, I was able to capture and hold the Senate's attention," Clinton said, moments after the proposal was approved. "Kinko's Color Services(TM) enhanced the effectiveness of my presentation and gave me the 'edge' over my Republican counterparts."

The proposal, prepared by Clinton on a Power Macintosh 8600 using Claris Home Office software, was professionally printed by the friendly, helpful staff of one of Washington, D.C.'s 34 conveniently located outlets using a Mita PointSource Ci-7500 Color Copier/Printer/Scanner, and collated into 535 slick, professional-looking booklets over the course of two days.

While the president said he is confident that his five-year balanced-budget proposal would have been approved regardless, he said he believes the use of color really helped put him over the top. "Studies show that color enhances learning and recall by as much as 70 percent," Clinton said. "And color helps sell ideas 50 to 85 percent more effectively than black and white."

"Think about it," Clinton added. "What is going to sell better? A great idea by itself, or a great idea that comes in an attractive package? You'd be surprised how many legislators shortchange themselves by not going the extra mile. With all the competition on Capitol Hill these days, you've got to do everything you can to separate yourself from the pack."

Most impressive of all, say Washington insiders, were the 12 24"x36" color posterboard charts ordered by Clinton along with the booklets, clearly and attractively illustrating the finer points of the proposal.

President Clinton is all smiles following an important business presentation that "goes great," thanks to Kinko's color services.

"President Clinton's four-color, oversized pie chart helped show members of Congress exactly where all federal budget funds would go," said Harold Cromwell, chair of the D.C.-based American Enterprise Institute think tank. "Perhaps more than any other president since Franklin Roosevelt, Mr. Clinton has found a new way to office."

According to the president, Kinko's 24-hour-a-day convenience also played a major role in his decision to utilize full-color displays in his proposal.

"When I made the decision at two in the morning to switch from staples to Velobind© comb, I only had to call my local Kinko's Account Manager, and he was happy to make the switch," Clinton said. "Kinko's has the hours that I want and the document-management solutions that I need."

"I am grateful that the people of Kinko's helped me get an edge on the competition with their full range of digital color capabilities," Clinton said. "What's more, they can do the same for your next important project, at home or in the office too."

Clinton plans next month to nominate Kinko's for the Congressional Medal of Freedom, the nation's highest civilian honor. It would be the first time the medal has been bestowed upon a nationwide chain of copy stores.

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