Clinton Ordered To Testify Before Grand Ole Opry

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Vol 33 Issue 13

Woman Injured In Hostile Makeover

NEW YORK—Area resident Janice Milner is in stable condition following a hostile makeover Monday. According to witnesses, Milner was looking at mascara at the Elizabeth Arden cosmetics counter at Macy's when several salespeople violently descended upon her, brutally applying thick coats of rouge and eye shadow until she fell unconscious. "It was horrible," witness Stacie Hull said. "They had her in autumn colors, and she was obviously a winter."

Congress Raises Killing Age To 19

WASHINGTON, DC—Making good on a promise to curb juvenile crime, Congress passed legislation Monday making it illegal for anyone under 19 to commit murder. "If you kill someone, your parents will be notified, and you may even spend time in jail," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS). Previously, murderers as young as 14, depending on state of residence, were considered to be acting within the law. President Clinton approved the bill, though he had recently threatened to veto it if youths between 16 and 19 were not granted certain killing privileges with parental consent.

Madcap Romp Escalates Into Zany Hijinks

WALLINGBROOK, VT—A madcap romp involving a string of zany shenanigans escalated into full-blown hijinks Saturday at Croydon Preparatory Academy, an exclusive private school in Wallingbrook. "These nutty kids are driving the board of directors absolutely bonkers with their wild antics," said school headmaster Charles Croydon III. "I don't know which is screwier, the loonball goof-ups or the cornball japery." Paramount Pictures has paid $3.4 million for movie rights to the story of the students' over-the-top hijinks, which the studio plans to turn into an outrageous send-up, expected in theaters in late 1999.

Psychic Phone Service Devastates Competition By Only Hiring The Best Psychics

LOS ANGELES—Psychic phone services across the nation are declaring bankruptcy as a result of the Caring Psychic Souls Service's recent announcement that it hires only the best master psychics. "Only the Caring Psychic Souls Service can offer you readings from the very best psychics in the world today," said Dana Plato, celebrity spokesperson for the service. "We are ruined," said Psychic Encounters spokesperson Nichelle Nichols. "I suppose, in retrospect, we devoted too much energy to infomercials and not enough to the development of a rigorous screening process by which we would guarantee ourselves the absolute top psychics. Now we are paying for it."

New, Improved Olean 30 Percent Less Likely To Make You Shit In Your Pants

CINCINNATI—Procter & Gamble, manufacturer of the breakthrough fat-free cooking oil Olean, unveiled a new, improved version of the product Monday, one that is reportedly 30 percent less likely to cause explosive pants-shitting. "Good news, calorie counters—Olean just got even better," Procter & Gamble spokesman Phillip Hearn said. "Now, even fewer people who eat Lay's-brand Wow! potato chips will experience violent, bowel-shattering defecation and uncontrollable spewing of high-pressure jets of frothy, liquid feces." Hearn said Olean users can still expect to vomit rivers of blood at ten-minute intervals for six months following use.

Get Smooved

Girl, if there is any doubt in your mind as to what time it is, let me break it down for you: It is time for you to get Smooved.

Hippocratic Oath 'Under Review' By HMO Board

INDIANAPOLIS—In a development bioethicists and health-care industry professionals are watching closely, the board of directors of Indiana HMO PhysCare-Plus, one of the largest and most powerful HMOs in the nation, announced Monday that the Hippocratic Oath is currently "under review."

Why Can't I Have A Mistress Too?

I have often been asked if I regret anything about my life. The answer is no! If I were to do it over again, I'd do it all the same! After all, it was I who transformed The Onion from an obscure frontier news-paper with a reader-ship composed mainly of Mennonites to a bustling daily with a readership of millions. And I'll be damned if I ever apologize for taking the life of Brickton Atlas-Trumpet editor P. Oliver Gummidge!
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Clinton Ordered To Testify Before Grand Ole Opry

NASHVILLE, TN—A week after Paula Jones' sexual-harassment suit was dismissed by an Arkansas judge, President Clinton once again found himself the subject of formal scrutiny Monday, when he was ordered to appear before the Grand Ole Opry on charges of cheatin', lyin' and runnin' around.

President Clinton answers questions from assistant prosecutor Hank Snow at a preliminary Grand Ole Opry inquest.

"At some point, President Clinton must be made to realize that, just because he is the most powerful man on the planet, that don't give him the right to go honky-tonkin' 'round with every gal in town," Grand Ole Opry lead counsel Porter Wagoner said. "This country was built upon the unshakable principle that your cheatin' heart will tell on you, a principle for which the president has displayed a whole bushel of disregard."

Wagoner has been empowered under a special provision of the Acuff-Rose Act to investigate possible presidential wrongdoings, including allegations that Clinton had an affair with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky and subsequently asked her to lie about it under oath. Clinton, who has denied the accusation, claimed exemption from testifying under executive privilege, a move many Opry members view as Clinton "gittin' above his raisin'" and "actin' all high-hat on the American people."

"Prosecutor Wagoner has informed me that President Clinton has been seen riding around town, kickin' up his heels, leavin' his wife Hillary at home with a handful of bills," Tennessee Sen. George Jones (R-Twitty City) said. "If true, this would represent a serious moral failure on the part of the president and a significant breach of trust between him and the American people. Now, here's Roy Clark."

Wagoner asserted that his case against Clinton is "not one hoot" weakened by Judge Susan Webber-Wright's dismissal of the Paula Jones suit. "My report to the Opry will contain a wide range of evidence demonstrating a long history of sexual misconduct on the part of the president. And we ain't talking about just some single, isolated incident in which he done a good girl bad, neither," Wagoner said. "We're talking 'bout a man who, for years, has done his woman wrong, and I will not rest until I put a stop to his low-down ways."

Added Wagoner: "This here prosecution is brought to you courtesy of the fine people at Goody's Headache Powder."

Wagoner said he can provide the Opry with hard evidence that Clinton accessed confidential FBI background files on Republican Party officials; falsified tax records which may have implicated shine-runners and whiskey-trippers in the Whitewater real-estate venture; and, while campaigning for president in 1992, shot a man in Reno, NV, "just to watch him die."

According to Opry officials, for all the diverse evidence Wagoner has collected, his inquiry will likely focus on the Monica Lewinsky affair.

"These here are serious matters," said Opry veteran Hank Williams, Jr. "Even if Miss Lewinsky let the stars get in her eyes and the moon steal her heart, Clinton may be guilty of talking out'n both sides of his mouth. My old dad himself ruled that, once a man got hitched, he had to throw his old date book over the fence, buy a new one for five or ten cents, keep it 'til it's covered with age, and write his wife's name on every page. Fifty years later, I stand by my daddy's words."

Longtime Opry insider Charles Louvin, of the influential Nashville family firm of Louvin, Louvin, Delmore & Carter, agreed. "The President of the United States should be held to the highest moral standard. He shouldn't smoke and shouldn't chew. And he shouldn't go with the girls that do," Louvin said. "But right now, the American people wouldn't be surprised if Clinton had a girl in the Cumberland gap, and her with a kid what calls him Pap." Louvin further speculated that Clinton's long history of wrongdoing may represent conclusive proof that Satan is real.

Clinton said he will fully cooperate with Grand Ole Opry investigators, expressing a desire to "bring matters to a quick resolution and get on with the business of running this country." If he is found guilty, it will represent the Opry's first ruling against a sitting president since 1974, when the Cash-Haggard Commission found Richard Nixon guilty of being a dirty old egg-sucking dog.

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