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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Clinton Questions Obama's Ability To Greet World Leaders

CHARLESTON, WV—Hillary Clinton once again attacked Barack Obama on the issue of experience Tuesday, this time questioning the Illinois senator's ability to effectively smile, make appropriate eye contact, and offer sufficiently delicious finger foods when welcoming visiting world leaders. "My opponent has never greeted foreign dignitaries such as the Japanese Minister of Forestry and Fisheries, as I had the opportunity to do when I was first lady," Clinton said, adding that she has an extensive background in both double-clasped hand shakes and idle small talk with political luminaries from several nations. "Do the American people really want a president who doesn't know when it's appropriate to gesture toward a chair, indicating where a head of state should be seated?" At a previous speech in Indianapolis, Clinton had challenged Obama's ability to create a health-care reform initiative that would ultimately fail and hand Congress over to the Republicans in an electoral landslide, as she did in 1993.

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