President Clinton, in a surprise announcement from the White House Monday, told reporters that he had been ro-man-ced and ultimately burgled by Sir Neville St. James de Mont-Blanc, a notorious international diamond thief and ladies man.
“My fellow Americans, I stand before you today to tell you that I have been seduced,” Clinton said of the suave thief, better known to countless beautiful women around the world as The Ermine Fox. “Sir Neville St. James de MontBlanc, with his devastating good looks and irresistible charm, has stolen my heart. And despite the best efforts of myself and a number of State Department officials, he has refused to give it back.”
Clinton explained that the infamous gem thief, whom he had met at an embassy dinner, deceived him, seducing the president for the sole purpose of stealing millions of dollars in White House treasures.
“He disappeared almost immediately after we made love,” a visibly shaken Clinton said. “I asked Mr. MontBlanc if he would stay, and he said he would forever, but in the morning he was gone.”
Clinton added that in addition to robbing the White House of its prized Van Buren Presidential Jewels, priceless heirlooms of inestimable value, the Ermine Fox also robbed him of, as he put it, “something far more precious—my innocence.”
The Ermine Fox, who apparently wined and dined Clinton for weeks prior to the burglary, regaling him with tales of service in the Foreign Legion and of adventures with the Viceroy of India during the colonial heyday, was able to seduce Clinton with a series of highly effective techniques derived from years of exhaustive research, sources said.
By gazing at the President from underneath slightly lowered lashes, twirling his pencil-moustache in a manner Clinton described as “mysterious,” and by plying the bewitched President with exotic gifts from around the world, the rascally jewel thief was quickly able to gain the President’s trust, placing him under a spell of romance.
“As I have already told Secretary of State Warren Christopher and several top Cabinet members at a closed-door session this morning, I fully believed he loved me,” the President said.
Shortly after lulling the swooning Clinton into a false sense of security with champagne, perfumes and flowers, de MontBlanc delivered the coup-de-grace—presenting the President with a gift of a designer original off-the-shoulder strapless silk evening gown and a gigantic diamond brooch (later discovered to be false), and asking the tear-struck commander-in-chief for his hand in marriage.
Later, however, he stole into the Presidential bedchambers, eluding the dogs and security personnel with an elaborate series of electronic noise-baffler generators, and left the White House safe empty—along with a note and a rose on Clinton’s pillow.
The Fox, described by FBI sources as a continental, sophisticated David Niven type with an irresistibly captivating charm and a devilish lust for diamonds and precious gems, has evaded the efforts of Interpol to track him down for more than 30 years. Investigators say their efforts at capture have been frustrated not only by the agile, cat-like ability of the Fox to steal away across rooftops with the aid of special grappling hooks, pulleys and sophisticated rope gadgets, but also by his chameleon-like mastery of all manner of disguise.
His most famous caper, say sources, was the disappearance of the notorious Green Lady gem, with which he escaped after seducing the aging Lady Beauvior-Schleim of Austria, heiress to the Kleigburg Winepress fortune.
“A number of my top senior advisors urged me not to rush into things, to let things develop slowly. I was unable to resist, however, so beguiling was the charm,” Clinton told reporters, holding the exquisitely calligraphied letter under his nose and sniffing at its perfumed envelope. “The wedding, needless to say, will not take place.”
“The list of The Ermine Fox’s lovers and victims reads like a veritable Who’s Who of international jet-set high society,” said Scotland Yard Inspector Edwin Wilingsbirth, head of the blue-ribbon team of international law enforcement personnel assigned to track down the elusive Fox. “However, I believe this is the first time a United States President has fallen under his sly spell, save for a brief fling with Gerald Ford in Geneva in 1975.”
He then interrupted the interview to answer a special flashing briefcase phone near his desk, before terminating reporters’ questions, saying, “No time to chat, lads! The game’s afoot! I’m off to exotic Morocco!”