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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Clinton Sold

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Clinton was sold at an invitation-only Sotheby’s auction Sunday, purchased by well-known British financier Owen Barasman. Clinton, who went for $425,000, was the highlight of an auction that also included an original Huckleberry Finn manuscript, two rare Han Dynasty vases and several sets of expensive cutlery.

“I believe I was sold for a fair price,” said Clinton, who was shipped to one of Barasman’s private London galleries yesterday. “I look forward to being a part of his impressive collection of rare and beautiful artifacts.”

Because of the auction, Clinton was forced to cut short a West Coast trip, during which he met with California Gov. Pete Wilson to survey flood damage in Northern California.

“It will be difficult to complete my West Coast visit from this shelf,” said Clinton, speaking from his new display area, between a Victorian-era porcelain figurine and 17th century English musket.

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