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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Clinton Sold

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Clinton was sold at an invitation-only Sotheby’s auction Sunday, purchased by well-known British financier Owen Barasman. Clinton, who went for $425,000, was the highlight of an auction that also included an original Huckleberry Finn manuscript, two rare Han Dynasty vases and several sets of expensive cutlery.

“I believe I was sold for a fair price,” said Clinton, who was shipped to one of Barasman’s private London galleries yesterday. “I look forward to being a part of his impressive collection of rare and beautiful artifacts.”

Because of the auction, Clinton was forced to cut short a West Coast trip, during which he met with California Gov. Pete Wilson to survey flood damage in Northern California.

“It will be difficult to complete my West Coast visit from this shelf,” said Clinton, speaking from his new display area, between a Victorian-era porcelain figurine and 17th century English musket.

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