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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Clinton Sold

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Clinton was sold at an invitation-only Sotheby’s auction Sunday, purchased by well-known British financier Owen Barasman. Clinton, who went for $425,000, was the highlight of an auction that also included an original Huckleberry Finn manuscript, two rare Han Dynasty vases and several sets of expensive cutlery.

“I believe I was sold for a fair price,” said Clinton, who was shipped to one of Barasman’s private London galleries yesterday. “I look forward to being a part of his impressive collection of rare and beautiful artifacts.”

Because of the auction, Clinton was forced to cut short a West Coast trip, during which he met with California Gov. Pete Wilson to survey flood damage in Northern California.

“It will be difficult to complete my West Coast visit from this shelf,” said Clinton, speaking from his new display area, between a Victorian-era porcelain figurine and 17th century English musket.

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