adBlockCheck

Clinton Suffering From Senioritis, White House Sources Say

Top Headlines

Politics

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far

The road to the 2016 election has seen its fair share of blunders, miscalculations, and poorly worded statements, all captured by an eager news media that’s always on the lookout for political missteps. Here are some of the biggest campaign gaffes of this election cycle so far:

How The Iowa Caucuses Work

The votes cast in the Iowa caucuses on Monday night mark the official beginning of the 2016 election season, but the specifics of the state’s selection process can be confusing to voters who don’t live there. Here, The Onion answers the most common questions about how the Iowa caucuses work:

Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall

DES MOINES, IA—Slowly approaching the distraught, trembling presidential candidate before embracing him in a gentle hug, 42-year-old single mother Holly Sullivan comforted a sobbing Jeb Bush during a town hall forum, sources confirmed Friday.

Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear

‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice

UNKNOWN LOCATION—The brightly lit, stark-white room gradually coming into focus as he regained consciousness, GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly awoke in the Koch brothers’ secret compound Thursday and reached suddenly to his throbbing head to discover a cold metal device implanted behind his left ear.

Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Describing it as a much-needed escape from the hype and pressure surrounding the event, aides from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign confirmed that the candidate has been taking it easy and kicking back ahead of Saturday’s Democratic debate with a few hours of intensive debate practice.

Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

A key issue currently driving a wedge between political parties in the U.S. is the question of so-called political correctness, or the avoidance of language and actions that could be construed as exclusive, oppressive, or marginalizing of minority groups. Here are the pros and cons of political correctness in our national discourse:

Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.

Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

GOP presidential frontrunner Ben Carson is currently under fire for claims he’s made about his past in books and interviews, many of which journalists have alleged are fabricated or skewed in the candidate’s favor. The Onion breaks down what’s truth and what’s fiction.

Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates

Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election

Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate.

Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.

GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.

Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Clinton Suffering From Senioritis, White House Sources Say

WASHINGTON, DC–With his second term drawing to a close, an increasingly bored and disinterested President Clinton has developed a serious case of senioritis, White House officials reported Monday.

Clinton smokes on the White House lawn, skipping an important Council Of Economic Advisers meeting.

According to Treasury Secretary Lawrence Summers, Clinton has been displaying signs of senioritis since August, when he began showing up late for Cabinet meetings and contributing little or nothing before leaving early. Clinton has also taken to skipping National Security Council briefings, wearing flip-flops to press conferences, and spending his afternoons hanging out in the White House parking lot.

"His whole attitude toward the presidency has changed," said Summers, standing on a ladder to retrieve several pencils Clinton threw point-first into the ceiling of the Oval Office. "Just a few months ago, he was really active and involved, enthusiastically participating during group discussions of foreign policy and taking Medicare proposals home to read over. But these days, all he can think about is getting out of here."

Continued Summers: "Yesterday, he spent all day in the Oval Office, but all he did was watch TV, put tape on Socks' paws, and veto an old copy of The Economist."

When asked for comment, Clinton did little to challenge the prevailing perception of him.

"Man," said the president, doodling aimlessly on a stack of White House letterhead, "after inauguration, I am so gone. I can't wait to never go to another summit again."

Continued Clinton: "Who really cares what I do from now on, anyway? In, like, three weeks I'll be a lame duck, and then everyone will start to ignore me. Good. I hope they forget about me completely so I can cut out early."

Clinton's lackadaisical attitude has upset many in his administration.

"He's still the leader of the free world," Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said, "and he still has responsibilities. The Palestinians and Israelis are at it again, and he hasn't done his homework in that area at all. His Russian involvement isn't improving. And he's always had problems with [the General] Accounting [Office]. If he isn't careful, certain people are going to see to it that he gets a failing grade as president."

"He'd just better not skip the planned presidential trip to Britain," Albright added. "The whole staff has been planning that for months, and everybody's really excited about it. He'd better not go and ruin it."

"So what?" said Clinton, responding to Albright. "I'm leaving here in January anyway, and they can't keep me here. That's illegal."

Reporters wait for Clinton to arrive at an Oct. 3 press conference, which he skipped to play frisbee.

Clinton's declining involvement and interest in White House matters has shown in his interpersonal relationships: Recently, he has been growing apart from some of his closest executive-branch friends, particularly Vice-President Gore.

"Well, it looks like Al may be stuck in this place for another four years–that sucker," Clinton said. "I mean, Al and I have been through a lot together, but I'm ready to move on, and he just wants to stick around here. Lately, we've haven't really seen all that much of each other: He's been all into his own thing, hanging out with a whole different crowd, like that Lieberman guy. That's okay, though, because, like I said, I've really outgrown this scene, anyway."

"To be honest, once I bolt, I don't want to see any of these people again–at least not for a long time. Not even Hillary," said Clinton, alluding to recent rumors that his eight-year White House romance might not survive the "real world." "I'm not even sure what her plans are. I think she wants to move to New York or something next year."

Clinton's apathy is by no means atypical for a soon-departing world leader, experts say.

"German Chancellor Helmut Kohl didn't say one word other than ja or nein during the last three months of his term," said United Nations Guidance Council chairman Drazen Visnevic. "Margaret Thatcher slept through her last dozen parliamentary sessions and just yelled, "Boring!' whenever she was awake. And it was Lyndon Johnson who began the tradition of Presidential Skip Day, held the last Friday in October. I'm willing to bet Clinton observes it."

Though Clinton has been vague about his plans for the future, he has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with Washington after his term expires.

"I don't care if I never set foot inside this stupid city again," Clinton said. "I'm not gonna be like Richard Nixon, always hanging around, trying to be part of the gang after his glory days are over. That's so embarrassing. I'm not even going to the inauguration ceremony if I can help it."

"I've been thinking of maybe going out to Hollywood and getting into the movies," Clinton continued. "I've got a few good friends out in L.A. who could probably hook me up."

Other possibilities Clinton has mentioned in recent months include going up to Alaska to work on a fishing boat, working as a bartender at a Club Med, teaching English in Prague, and "just road-tripping across the country for, like, a year."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close