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Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

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What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Clinton Tagged by Local Gang

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an incident under heavy investigation by Secret Service officials, President Clinton was “tagged” late yesterday afternoon, spray-painted across the chest by a member of the E. Street Kingz, a notorious D.C. street gang. The latest in a series of graffiti strikes in the ongoing war between the Kingz and their rival gang, the Deth Ro Niggaz, the tagging caused an estimated $350 in damages to Clinton’s suit and officially marked the President as Kingz’s “turf.”

President Clinton, moments after a surprise tagging by the E. Street Kingz, paused on the Capitol steps to take questions from the media. It was the first presidential tagging since the Harding Administration.

“We are shocked and disturbed by this serious breach of presidential security,” White House chief of security Alan Watkins said. “We are taking every possible step to protect the President in the future, including coating him with a paint-resistant shellac.”

The incident marked the first crime committed against a President since Ronald Reagan was raped by David James Pelphrey in 1986.

According to reports, shortly after 3 p.m., an unidentified member of the E. Street Kingz snuck past White House guards and spray-painted a red, backwards “ESK”—the gang’s symbol—across Clinton’s chest. The unidentified gang member escaped through the South Lawn gate by telling guards that he was Secretary of State Warren Christopher.

According to Washington-area gang experts, with the tagging, President Clinton has officially become part of the Kingz’s territory.

“This is a major coup for the Kingz,” said Jerry Lloyd, head of the D.C. Task Force on Gang Activities. “Having the most powerful man in the world in their corner should help the Kingz tremendously in their ongoing battle with the Deth Ro Niggaz.”

Lloyd expects the gang to start Clinton off as a “runner,” relaying drugs and running errands for senior Kingz members, such as G. Dogg and Shorty Mack.

“Clinton will certainly be doing some drug smuggling,” Lloyd said. “But mostly he will be making runs to the corner store, purchasing snack chips and malt liquor for the fellas.”

When informed of the Kingz’s plans for him, Clinton stood firm.

“I refuse to give props to these men,” he said. “I am the President of the United States, and I will not be played.”

Clinton added he was “not fronting.”

Clinton, who rushed over to the Capitol shortly after the incident, still had traces of red paint on his chin and right cheek.

“I am saddened and disappointed by the senseless vandalism of my neck, face and chest,” Clinton said yesterday afternoon.

According to FBI officials, if caught, the offending gang member would be forced to clean the president from head to toe.

“Vandalism of this sort is no joke,” FBI spokesman Louis Freeh said. “When we catch this kid, he’s going to hose the president off and scrub him down good with a stiff brush. I don’t want to see a single spot left on Clinton.”

Freeh added that if the Kingz are not stopped, they may attempt to spray- paint a larger mural on Clinton.

“This time, they didn’t get a chance to do much more than a quick tag,” Freeh said. “But now that they’ve had a taste of success, and true to the graffiti artist’s credo, I certainly wouldn’t rule out the possibility of them coming back for a much bigger, full-body mural. A colorful scene of Kingz greatness.”

To counter the Kingz move, the Deth Ro Niggaz have set their sights on Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping, who will visit Washington this summer.

“If the Niggaz could somehow tag Xiaoping, they would virtually control D.C.,” Lloyd said. “There’s no other gang in the city that would have 1.3 billion disciplined Asian foot soldiers at their disposal. They would be very difficult to stop.”

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