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How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

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DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

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Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

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Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

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Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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Clinton Tagged by Local Gang

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an incident under heavy investigation by Secret Service officials, President Clinton was “tagged” late yesterday afternoon, spray-painted across the chest by a member of the E. Street Kingz, a notorious D.C. street gang. The latest in a series of graffiti strikes in the ongoing war between the Kingz and their rival gang, the Deth Ro Niggaz, the tagging caused an estimated $350 in damages to Clinton’s suit and officially marked the President as Kingz’s “turf.”

President Clinton, moments after a surprise tagging by the E. Street Kingz, paused on the Capitol steps to take questions from the media. It was the first presidential tagging since the Harding Administration.

“We are shocked and disturbed by this serious breach of presidential security,” White House chief of security Alan Watkins said. “We are taking every possible step to protect the President in the future, including coating him with a paint-resistant shellac.”

The incident marked the first crime committed against a President since Ronald Reagan was raped by David James Pelphrey in 1986.

According to reports, shortly after 3 p.m., an unidentified member of the E. Street Kingz snuck past White House guards and spray-painted a red, backwards “ESK”—the gang’s symbol—across Clinton’s chest. The unidentified gang member escaped through the South Lawn gate by telling guards that he was Secretary of State Warren Christopher.

According to Washington-area gang experts, with the tagging, President Clinton has officially become part of the Kingz’s territory.

“This is a major coup for the Kingz,” said Jerry Lloyd, head of the D.C. Task Force on Gang Activities. “Having the most powerful man in the world in their corner should help the Kingz tremendously in their ongoing battle with the Deth Ro Niggaz.”

Lloyd expects the gang to start Clinton off as a “runner,” relaying drugs and running errands for senior Kingz members, such as G. Dogg and Shorty Mack.

“Clinton will certainly be doing some drug smuggling,” Lloyd said. “But mostly he will be making runs to the corner store, purchasing snack chips and malt liquor for the fellas.”

When informed of the Kingz’s plans for him, Clinton stood firm.

“I refuse to give props to these men,” he said. “I am the President of the United States, and I will not be played.”

Clinton added he was “not fronting.”

Clinton, who rushed over to the Capitol shortly after the incident, still had traces of red paint on his chin and right cheek.

“I am saddened and disappointed by the senseless vandalism of my neck, face and chest,” Clinton said yesterday afternoon.

According to FBI officials, if caught, the offending gang member would be forced to clean the president from head to toe.

“Vandalism of this sort is no joke,” FBI spokesman Louis Freeh said. “When we catch this kid, he’s going to hose the president off and scrub him down good with a stiff brush. I don’t want to see a single spot left on Clinton.”

Freeh added that if the Kingz are not stopped, they may attempt to spray- paint a larger mural on Clinton.

“This time, they didn’t get a chance to do much more than a quick tag,” Freeh said. “But now that they’ve had a taste of success, and true to the graffiti artist’s credo, I certainly wouldn’t rule out the possibility of them coming back for a much bigger, full-body mural. A colorful scene of Kingz greatness.”

To counter the Kingz move, the Deth Ro Niggaz have set their sights on Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping, who will visit Washington this summer.

“If the Niggaz could somehow tag Xiaoping, they would virtually control D.C.,” Lloyd said. “There’s no other gang in the city that would have 1.3 billion disciplined Asian foot soldiers at their disposal. They would be very difficult to stop.”

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