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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Clinton Tests Positive For Presidency-Enhancing Drugs

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton is embroiled in scandal once again after testing positive for the presidency-enhancing drug Crovan. Traces of Crovan were found in Clinton's urine Monday during a random drug test conducted as part of the federal government's employee-testing program. Crovan, an orally administered drug that artificially boosts diplomacy and coalition-building skills, as well as perceived-sincerity levels, has been banned from presidential use since the Ford Administration. Speaking to reporters, Clinton vehemently denied taking the drug. "I have never used Crovan or any other illegal presidency-enhancer during my time in office," he said. "My presidency has been 100 percent natural." Clinton also denied a report that he used a quick-flush tea in an attempt to get the drug out of his system prior to the test.

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Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

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