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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Clinton Tests Positive For Presidency-Enhancing Drugs

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton is embroiled in scandal once again after testing positive for the presidency-enhancing drug Crovan. Traces of Crovan were found in Clinton's urine Monday during a random drug test conducted as part of the federal government's employee-testing program. Crovan, an orally administered drug that artificially boosts diplomacy and coalition-building skills, as well as perceived-sincerity levels, has been banned from presidential use since the Ford Administration. Speaking to reporters, Clinton vehemently denied taking the drug. "I have never used Crovan or any other illegal presidency-enhancer during my time in office," he said. "My presidency has been 100 percent natural." Clinton also denied a report that he used a quick-flush tea in an attempt to get the drug out of his system prior to the test.

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