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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Clinton Tests Positive For Presidency-Enhancing Drugs

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton is embroiled in scandal once again after testing positive for the presidency-enhancing drug Crovan. Traces of Crovan were found in Clinton's urine Monday during a random drug test conducted as part of the federal government's employee-testing program. Crovan, an orally administered drug that artificially boosts diplomacy and coalition-building skills, as well as perceived-sincerity levels, has been banned from presidential use since the Ford Administration. Speaking to reporters, Clinton vehemently denied taking the drug. "I have never used Crovan or any other illegal presidency-enhancer during my time in office," he said. "My presidency has been 100 percent natural." Clinton also denied a report that he used a quick-flush tea in an attempt to get the drug out of his system prior to the test.

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