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Clinton Tests Positive For Presidency-Enhancing Drugs

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

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It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

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Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
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Clinton Tests Positive For Presidency-Enhancing Drugs

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton is embroiled in scandal once again after testing positive for the presidency-enhancing drug Crovan. Traces of Crovan were found in Clinton's urine Monday during a random drug test conducted as part of the federal government's employee-testing program. Crovan, an orally administered drug that artificially boosts diplomacy and coalition-building skills, as well as perceived-sincerity levels, has been banned from presidential use since the Ford Administration. Speaking to reporters, Clinton vehemently denied taking the drug. "I have never used Crovan or any other illegal presidency-enhancer during my time in office," he said. "My presidency has been 100 percent natural." Clinton also denied a report that he used a quick-flush tea in an attempt to get the drug out of his system prior to the test.

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