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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Clinton To Get Teeth Cleaning, Glasses Before Coverage Runs Out

WASHINGTON, DC–With less than six months remaining in his second term, President Clinton made appointments Monday for dental and optometry check-ups that are covered by his Physicians Plus presidential health plan. "My teeth are fine, but I figured I should take advantage and get a cleaning before I get dropped next January," Clinton said. "And if I get new glasses before then, Physicians Plus will cover the lenses and 60 percent of the cost of frames, so I'd be crazy not to." Clinton said he was worried he was already too late to get in for an eye exam before leaving office, but Dr. Heitman, his designated optometrist, had an opening on Dec. 17 at 8:15 a.m.

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