Clinton To PLO Terrorists: 'Leave The Girl Out Of It'

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Johnsville, Il, Renamed Walmart #11717

JOHNSVILLE, IL—In a special town-square ceremony Friday, Mayor Byron Elkins officially renamed the town of Johnsville, IL, pop. 2,372, WalMart #11717. "All WalMart #11717ians can be proud to call WalMart #11717 their home," the mayor said. "I think we can all agree that WalMart #11717 is a wonderful place to work and shop." Added Elkins: "Go WalMart #11717 High Cougars!" Other residents of WalMart #11717 were equally enthusiastic. "The arrival of WalMart in our town this year caused dozens of stores to close, eliminating over 400 jobs," said greeter and mother of three Marianne Gross. "But on the bright side, nearly 150 jobs have been created by the new store." Citizens of WalMart #11717 who behave will receive a subcutaneous corporate-identification implant chip good for an employee discount at any WalMart store.

Pierced Tongue Fails To Make Local Woman Less Boring

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Sources within the tongue-piercing community revealed Monday that area resident Jen Macalester, 20, is no less boring now than she was prior to last week's tongue-piercing at the Piercing Pagoda in College Station's CrossGates Mall. While Macalester had hoped the tongue ring would give her "an edgy, dangerous, anti-establishment air," in actuality it did little to disguise her unremarkable personality and utterly predictable tastes. In the wake of the piercing failure, Macalester has reportedly been significantly cheered up by Tuesday's release of the new 311 album.

Mars Probe Destroyed By Orbiting Spielberg-Gates Space Palace

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—NASA officials have confirmed that the space agency's $170 million Mars Rover was destroyed Sunday by a ship-to-ship phaser fired from the defense array of the $950 billion Spielberg-Gates Space Palace, an opulent, Rhode Island-sized orbiting mansion which serves as an outer-space getaway for moviemaker Steven Spielberg and computer magnate Bill Gates. While powerless to counterattack, NASA pleaded with Spielberg and Gates to be more merciful with NASA equipment in the future. "While we greatly respect the advances Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Gates have made with their privately funded space fleet, and we apologize for our unauthorized entrance into their orbit zone, we beseech them to share the solar system with us." Spokespersons for Spielberg and Gates said the two ardent video-game enthusiasts were "just playing."

Jean's Karaoke Krazy!

So there I was last Friday night, wondering where the heck hubby Rick was. He had promised to take me to see Con Air, but it was almost 15 minutes until the start of the movie and still no Rick. I called the tire center where he works, but there was no answer. Great, I thought, he's probably out at Tacky's Tavern, and I'll be stuck home tonight all alone. I changed out of my nice sweats, climbed into bed and turned on QVC.

Zweibel Goes A-Courtin'

The estate was awash in jollity and good tidings this week during the wedding of my great-great-great grandniece Violet Carstairs Zweibel to some pansy who is heir to a vast gelatin fortune. Though the ceremony was held in my own court-yard, I was locked in my bed-chamber, doubtless out of fear that I would create a scene. Lousy ingrate family of mine!

Area Tank Top Strained Nearly To Breaking Point

SMYRNA, GA—A Smyrna-area tank top is under fire from local menswear advocates, who say the garment is so severely strained that it is in imminent danger of succumbing to explosive and potentially dangerous fabric-degradation-related rupture.
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Clinton To PLO Terrorists: 'Leave The Girl Out Of It'

WASHINGTON, DC—In a tense standoff with far-reaching implications for both the free world and the president's ironclad code of honor, President Clinton made an impassioned plea to PLO terrorists Monday to "leave the girl out of it."

Clinton To PLO Terrorists: 'Leave The Girl Out Of It'

"It has always been the policy of the United States not to negotiate with terrorists," Clinton told reporters during a nationally televised White House press conference. "But this is different. The girl came here because of me, and when they grabbed her, they made it personal."

The girl, who has been held captive by the terrorists since last Friday, was identified Tuesday in a New York Times story as Valerie Herrick, the 26-year-old daughter of industrialist Milton Herrick. Sources close to the White House say she is "an idealistic, sexy brunette who was in the wrong place at the wrong time."

According to the Times story, on Friday, Herrick tracked the terrorists—who are wanted in connection with last week's deadly bombing in a Jerusalem market—to their hideout in an abandoned warehouse several blocks from the Capitol Building. Upon entering the hideout and attempting to overhear the terrorists' plans, she broke a heel and was captured.

President Clinton waits to meet with several PLO representatives in an abandoned Washington D.C. alleyway. Clinton said he would use his fists to do some "serious negotiating."

The terrorists are demanding $40 million and their safe return to Lebanon in exchange for the girl's release.

"This is an extremely difficult situation," said Clinton, who upon learning of Herrick's capture abruptly left the 1997 National Governors' Summit in San Diego, where he was to deliver the keynote address. "If I could speak with those terrorists now, I would tell them, 'I'm the one you want! Me! The President! Now let the girl go!'"

U.S. Defense Secretary William Perry, along with other top Pentagon officials, have been working closely with Clinton to devise a rescue plan. While the plan's details remain strictly confidential, an anonymous Pentagon source confirmed that Clinton will use a grappling hook fashioned from a nearby machine part and some rope found outside the terrorists' warehouse hideout to climb up the side of the lair. He will then rappel through a broken skylight into the warehouse, silently killing each terrorist in turn, then grabbing the girl and running out of the warehouse just seconds before it explodes into a spectacular ball of flames.

"As I said, in the interest of national security, I cannot elaborate on the specifics of the plan," Perry said. "But essentially, what I told President Clinton is, 'The girl's in trouble. You have to go in.'"

Despite his reluctance to provide details, Perry did acknowledge that after the president kills the head terrorist by impaling him on the giant shards of a rusty threshing motor, he will tell him, "Get the 'point,' you bastard?"

Perry would not comment on the possibility of Herrick flipping her captor off a catwalk using martial-arts techniques that Clinton taught her in a smoldering, sexually charged judo lesson at the White House last week.

Complicating an already tense international situation is a videotape mailed to Clinton by the terrorists Tuesday showing Khayyid al Hamad, the lead terrorist, standing before Herrick, who is bound and gagged, and horribly disheveled. The heavily muscled, mustachioed al Hamad then points to a patch over his left eye and says, "Remember this, William Jefferson Clinton? Yes, this is your handiwork. Come to the warehouse at the old docks tonight, Mr. President, or the girl gets what is meant for you—an eye for an eye!" The videotape then ends in static.

Upon viewing the tape, a visibly disturbed Clinton told reporters: "I told her it wasn't a game, and I thought it was getting through to her. I'm the one who drove her to this—I was so focused on revenge that I couldn't see what was going on right before my eyes."

White House spokespeople said that despite its great complexity, the crisis should reach its climax and resolution within the next 15 to 20 minutes.

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