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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Clinton Tosses Unpledged Superdelegate In Trunk Of Car

LA CROSSE, WI—Ambushing the party official in an empty parking garage as he exited his office, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly grabbed an unpledged Democratic superdelegate and threw him into the trunk of her car during the late night hours Monday. “Maybe this will help you make up your mind,” said Clinton, who raised a tire iron above the head of the voting member of the Democratic National Convention as he lay cowering in the vehicle’s storage compartment, his blubbering pleas for help muffled after she slammed the trunk lid. “Keep your fucking mouth shut and don’t do anything stupid.” At press time, Clinton was holding a phone up to the superdelegate’s head and instructing him to inform an AP reporter that the former secretary of state would protect and build on the achievements of the last eight years.

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