Clinton Unveils New Prize Hopping-Toad

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Vol 32 Issue 10

Huzzah For The Glorious Pig-Skin!

Recently the National Foot-Balling League, a fledgling commercial venture, approached me with the possibility of investing in one of their new professional teams. I went one step further and proclaimed that I would form a foot-ball club of my very own, the Onion Linotypists, with myself as coach! I played defensive full-backer when I attended beloved old Cadwalader Preparatory Academy, and I grew misty-eyed at the chance of seeing wanton blood-baths upon the grid-iron once again. Plus, it would give me great satisfaction to see those wretched Pottsville Maroons go down in defeat. Curse them and the Canton Bull-Dogs as well!

Gene Wilder To Make Horrible, Horrible Movie

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Actor Gene Wilder unveiled plans Monday to star in Wrong Way, a horrible, horrible new film. "My new film will be unbelievably bad," Wilder said, "and I will be tremendously irritating throughout it." Wilder assured reporters that Wrong Way, in which he plays a mute driving instructor, will be far inferior to Another You and See No Evil, Hear No Evil. Rumors are already flying about a possible comedy starring Wilder and Richard Pryor that will be just sad.

Huge Lottery Jackpot Tempting All But The Most Rational

MINNEAPOLIS—With the Minnesota Lottery's Oct. 25 "SuperBucks" jackpot fast approaching $140 million, all but the most rational Minnesotans are scrambling to purchase tickets. "Who could resist such an unbelievable jackpot, except, of course, smart people who understand mathematics?" lottery director Gus Shriner said. "I mean, we're talking $140 million. You'd have to be marginally educated to walk away from a $1 chance at that."

Deputy Attorney General's Wife Cracks Down On Pornography

BETHESDA, MD—In a bedroom press conference Monday, Judith Rubino, wife of U.S. Deputy Attorney General Richard Rubino, announced a hard-line, "get-tough" stance against pornography in the Rubino household. "I don't want those tapes in the house," Rubino told her husband. "What am I supposed to tell our grandchildren when they come over?" Among the pornographic films Rubino cited as unacceptable for use by the Deputy Attorney General: Forrest Hump, Backside To The Future, and Sex Trek: First Cuntact. Mr. Rubino said he may invoke the "please" clause in an effort to keep the tapes in the Rubino home.

Vocalist Leaves Journey Tribute Band Over Creative Differences

HARRISBURG, PA—After six years as lead vocalist for the Harrisburg-area Journey tribute band Wheel In The Sky, Rick Balaban announced Monday that he is leaving the group over creative differences. "We just reached a point where we had very different ideas about where this band is heading," Balaban said. "While the other guys wanted to go in a more power-ballad, ‘Open Arms,' ‘Send Her My Love'-oriented direction, I felt that we should be focusing on rocking out more in a ‘Separate Ways' fashion." Balaban said he plans to embark on a solo career, starting a Journey-lead-vocalist tribute act called "Steve Perry." The most likely replacement for Balaban in Wheel In The Sky is Jim "Kerr" Bulone, currently lead singer of Glittering Prize, a Detroit-area Simple Minds tribute band.

It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

The other day Judy the wife was yapping that I never do anything with her, so I agreed to go to the big tasting party she was having for the French cooking course she's taking. I figured at least I could get some grub out of the deal.

Internal Revenue Disservice

The IRS has come under fire recently for allegedly secretly encouraging its agents to target and harass those who make under $20,000. What do you think?

Today's Young People Are Not Appropriately Terrified Of Sex

What has become of the young people of today, that they no longer cower in mortal terror at the very mention of sex? Instead of trembling alone at night in their rooms, paralyzed by the soul-shaking thought of one day having intimate relations with a member of the opposite gender, they confidently parade about the shopping malls in their sleeveless shirts and short pants, caressing one another's hands in plain view of other JCPenney's patrons.

Jocko's Headed For Hollywood!

Item! Australian macho man and superstar television pitchman Jocko has been making the rounds looking for the appropriate vehicle for his leap onto the big screen. He's read a million scripts, but he's turned them all down. The reason? He still hasn't found one that will break him out of the tough-guy typecast. Apparently, after years of winning rave reviews as the muscle-headed brute in the Energizer commercials, he wants a chance to show his fans his sensitive side. Perhaps he'll consider my screenplay-in-progress, which is loosely based on the life of a certain unnamed Hollywood columnist who is jilted at the altar by his bride-to-be, leaving him to reflect upon his life. Sounds pretty good, eh, Jocko? Oi!
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Clinton Unveils New Prize Hopping-Toad

WASHINGTON, DC—At a special press conference on the White House lawn Monday, President Clinton unveiled "The Colonel," a six-pound prize hopping-toad believed by many to be capable of outjumping every other hopping-toad and frog in the U.S.

President Clinton proudly announces his acquisition of "The Colonel" to members of the White House press corps.

According to Clinton, the new presidential hop-toad, the Executive Branch's "largest and finest competitive hopping frog since the Jackson Administration," will make him the undisputed hoptoad-jumping champion of the District of Columbia, if not the world.

"My fellow Americans, I am proud to present to you such a top-notch hop-toad," Clinton told reporters. "The Colonel is a symbol of my commitment to owning the jumpingest bullfrog in the free world."

While Clinton's mood was largely jubilant during the press conference, he did briefly turn serious, issuing a stern warning to those considering committing acts of terrorism against the hop-toad.

"To those contemplating making The Colonel drowsy by fattening him up with Junebugs, feeding him double-ought buckshot, or switching him with a similar-looking toad when I am not looking," Clinton said, "I say, you will be caught, and you will be punished to the fullest extent of the law."

Clinton acquired the frog last Thursday after instructing Army and National Guard personnel to seek out an enormous, long-legged bullfrog or swamp toad suitable for use in jumping competitions. After several days of searching, a detachment of the Fifth Army Corps of Engineers followed a trail of lily pads to The Colonel's lair deep in a bog on the outskirts of Cairo, IL.

Clinton, who was notified immediately, cut short a meeting with British prime minister Tony Blair to personally inspect the hop-toad. "The moment I saw The Colonel, it was clear that this was the prize hop-toad I had long been searching for," Clinton said. "His legs were unusually long and muscular, and his appetite for blue-tail flies was unmatched. I was extremely confident that he would be able to outjump any frog that might oppose him."

The president addressed a special joint session of Congress Tuesday to rally support for a proposed $4, state-of-the-art shoebox for The Colonel. The taxpayer-funded box, Clinton said, would be constructed of cardboard and feature a removable top and approximately six breathing holes in its side. He noted that the box would serve a dual role, functioning as both as a home for The Colonel while at the White House and as a carrying case during presidential trips abroad.

Clinton and The Colonel.

"I believe that such a box is critically important," Clinton said in his 40-minute address to the legislators. "Without it, there will always be the danger that The Colonel will escape. We cannot, and must not, let this happen." Until Clinton can secure congressional box-funding for The Colonel, he said he will keep him in a locked Oval Office desk drawer.

Legislators' reaction to Clinton's call for federal hop-toad funding was mixed. "If The Colonel is indeed capable of jumping 15 yards when its 'dander is up,' as Mr. Clinton claims," said Sen. Tom Harkin (D-IA), "then I believe this would indeed be a worthwhile allocation of federal funds."

"It is positively preposterous that we are considering spending taxpayers' hard-earned money on this presidential hop-frog," said Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC). "My hop-toad Beauregard is the three-time jumping-frog champion of Currituck County, North Carolina, and it rose to such heights without the benefit of any public funding whatsoever." Helms then challenged Clinton to put The Colonel up against Beauregard in a best-of-three hopping contest on the banks of the Potomac River.

Clinton readily accepted Helms' challenge. "I intend to prove that my hopping-toad is the finest, fair and square," Clinton said. "Now, if you will excuse me, I am off to purchase a new white suit and slouch hat for the occasion."

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