adBlockCheck

Clinton Writes Fan Letter To Joan Jett

Top Headlines

Politics

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far

The road to the 2016 election has seen its fair share of blunders, miscalculations, and poorly worded statements, all captured by an eager news media that’s always on the lookout for political missteps. Here are some of the biggest campaign gaffes of this election cycle so far:

How The Iowa Caucuses Work

The votes cast in the Iowa caucuses on Monday night mark the official beginning of the 2016 election season, but the specifics of the state’s selection process can be confusing to voters who don’t live there. Here, The Onion answers the most common questions about how the Iowa caucuses work:

Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall

DES MOINES, IA—Slowly approaching the distraught, trembling presidential candidate before embracing him in a gentle hug, 42-year-old single mother Holly Sullivan comforted a sobbing Jeb Bush during a town hall forum, sources confirmed Friday.

Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear

‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice

UNKNOWN LOCATION—The brightly lit, stark-white room gradually coming into focus as he regained consciousness, GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly awoke in the Koch brothers’ secret compound Thursday and reached suddenly to his throbbing head to discover a cold metal device implanted behind his left ear.

Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Describing it as a much-needed escape from the hype and pressure surrounding the event, aides from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign confirmed that the candidate has been taking it easy and kicking back ahead of Saturday’s Democratic debate with a few hours of intensive debate practice.

Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

A key issue currently driving a wedge between political parties in the U.S. is the question of so-called political correctness, or the avoidance of language and actions that could be construed as exclusive, oppressive, or marginalizing of minority groups. Here are the pros and cons of political correctness in our national discourse:

Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.

Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

GOP presidential frontrunner Ben Carson is currently under fire for claims he’s made about his past in books and interviews, many of which journalists have alleged are fabricated or skewed in the candidate’s favor. The Onion breaks down what’s truth and what’s fiction.

Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates

Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election

Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate.

Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.

GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

Clinton Writes Fan Letter To Joan Jett

WASHINGTON, DC—In what White House sources are calling "a show of support and admiration for one of our nation's most talented and dynamic popular musicians," President Clinton drafted and mailed a fan letter Monday to '80s rock-'n'-roll superstar Joan Jett.

President Clinton composes his fan letter to Joan Jett.

"Dear Joan Jett, I think your awesome. You are a awesome rock star. You are my favorite rock star," the fan letter read in part. "I have all your albums."

Jett, best known for her string of chart-topping singles with backup band The Blackhearts in the early 1980s, has reportedly been one of the president's favorite recording artists ever since he heard "Fake Friends," from 1983's Album, during his second term as Arkansas governor.

Jett, who has wowed audiences for more than two decades with covers of such rock classics as "Crimson & Clover," "Bits & Pieces" and "I Love Rock & Roll," is expected to receive the fan letter, which was mailed to her international fan club's address, in one to two weeks.

"Wow, I sure hope she reads it and maybe even writes me back," Clinton told White House Deputy Chief Of Staff John Podesta, who helped him mail the letter and also corrected numerous spelling errors. "Do you think she'll write me back? Huh? Do ya? Do ya?"

According Jim Craig, a spokesman for Jett's fan club, the singer generally does not personally respond to fan mail due to time constraints. Clinton, however, will receive a signed publicity photo of the singer within six to eight weeks as a show of thanks for his kind words, Craig said.

The fan letter, which was printed on official presidential stationery, is the first such missive to be issued by Clinton during his presidency. Prior to his White House years, Clinton had sent two others, one to rock superstar Pat Benatar and the other to lead singer Mike Reno of the Canadian rock group Loverboy, in 1982 and 1986, respectively.

According to White House press secretary Joe Lockhart, Clinton was "in high spirits" following the mailing of the letter, retiring to the Oval Office to listen to Jett's 1981 album Bad Reputation "really loud"on headphones and playing air guitar along with the music in front of a full-length mirror.

Despite Clinton's enthusiasm about the letter, the move has drawn its share of criticism.

"What kind of a message is the president sending our nation's youth by writing to Joan Jett?" asked Sen. Bob Smith (I-NH). "After all, this is the same woman who, in the video for her cover of Gary Glitter's pro-promiscuity single 'Do You Wanna Touch Me? (Oh Yeah!),' flashed the camera in a provocative string bikini. She is hardly an acceptable role model for America's children."

Clinton enjoys some of his Joan Jett albums in a White House hallway. Right: the fan letter.

Sen. Slade Gorton (R-WA) agreed, calling Jett's status as a founding member of the 1970s all-girl teenage punk-rock group The Runaways, whose ranks also included future heavy-metal icon Lita Ford, "deplorable and an affront to commonly held standards of decency."

Many of Clinton's Democratic allies in Congress were quick to defend Jett, praising her as a strong feminist figure who opened doors for women in the traditionally male-dominated arena of hard rock.

"Joan Jett totally rocks," Sen. Kent Conrad (D-ND) said. "Perhaps some of my esteemed colleagues are threatened by a woman with a guitar, but I, for one, am not."

But despite such support, the president's open declaration of admiration for the pop star has sparked a whirlwind of debate regarding his motivations.

"The president clearly feels a deep psychological affinity with Joan Jett's lyrics and attitude," wrote Washington Post columnist Thomas Dorner. "When one hears Jett singing, 'I'm just a victim of a bad reputation, I got no chance to shake it,' in 'Victim Of Circumstance,' it's not hard to understand why this sentiment would resonate with Clinton, a man whose presidency has been dogged by scandal and rumor from day one."

In an editorial Tuesday, The New York Times offered another theory.

"The dysfunctional relationship described by Jett in her 1988 hit single 'I Hate Myself For Loving You' reflects many elements of Clinton's troubled personal life," the editorial read in part. "It is possible that the president's attraction to the highly sexualized yet angrily defiant public persona of Joan Jett stems from emotional abuse he suffered as a child."

Regardless of the reasons, Clinton remains staunchly unapologetic for his fandom.

"Hello, Dad! Hello, Mom! Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!" a visibly enthused Clinton lip-synched at a White House press conference, pumping his fist wildly and instructing aides to "turn it up." "Hello, world, I'm your wild girl! Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb! Cherry bomb! Cherry bomb!"

The president, smiling broadly, then jumped up and down and clapped as the song concluded with the sound of a loud explosion.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close