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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Clive Cussler Realizes Latest Novel Not Thrilling 3 Hours After Sending It To Printer

NEW YORK—Mere hours after the printing of Odin’s Cleft, the 472-page marine technothriller he spent most of the year crafting, veteran author Clive Cussler came to the sudden realization that the novel was actually in no way thrilling. “Even while I was writing it, I could barely keep myself from putting it down. My knuckles were unwhitened the whole time, and my pulse barely pounded at all,” said Cussler, who described the book as “far from taut, or even tight, in any way.” “Cracking good yarn, my ass. How could this book come from me, the author of such page-turning bestsellers as Raise The Titanic, Pacific Vortex!, and The Storm, a novel from the NUMA files due out in paperback this spring?” Although the book has already gone to press, Cussler’s publisher has agreed to let him rewrite the final chapter, in which hero Dirk Pitt Jr. engages a corrupt administrator in witty repartee following their two-hour crosstown pursuit in Toyota Priuses.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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