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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Cloned Cheney Lacks Charm Of Original

WASHINGTON, DC (May 4)—According to Beltway insiders, the new adult clone of Dick Cheney, recently created and accelerated to replace the ailing vice president, lacks the unique style and gruff charm of the original. "The voice is the same, the look and attitude is the same, but when the original Cheney stabbed your hand to the table with a ballpoint pen during a Cabinet meeting, it was because he meant it," said White House intern Chester Clem. "With Cheney1, there's no soul in it." Cheney himself, though on life-support at Walter Reed Army Hospital, is reportedly dissatisfied with the clone, and has demanded that his brain be immediately transplanted into the body of 25-year-old German Olympic swimmer Chris Hauth.

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