First adopters are already cutting off their limbs at the wrists in preparation for the release of the latest must-have Apple gadget, the sleek new iHand. Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC.
WASHINGTON, DC (May 4)According to Beltway insiders, the new adult clone of Dick Cheney, recently created and accelerated to replace the ailing vice president, lacks the unique style and gruff charm of the original. "The voice is the same, the look and attitude is the same, but when the original Cheney stabbed your hand to the table with a ballpoint pen during a Cabinet meeting, it was because he meant it," said White House intern Chester Clem. "With Cheney1, there's no soul in it." Cheney himself, though on life-support at Walter Reed Army Hospital, is reportedly dissatisfied with the clone, and has demanded that his brain be immediately transplanted into the body of 25-year-old German Olympic swimmer Chris Hauth.