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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Cloned Cheney Lacks Charm Of Original

WASHINGTON, DC (May 4)—According to Beltway insiders, the new adult clone of Dick Cheney, recently created and accelerated to replace the ailing vice president, lacks the unique style and gruff charm of the original. "The voice is the same, the look and attitude is the same, but when the original Cheney stabbed your hand to the table with a ballpoint pen during a Cabinet meeting, it was because he meant it," said White House intern Chester Clem. "With Cheney1, there's no soul in it." Cheney himself, though on life-support at Walter Reed Army Hospital, is reportedly dissatisfied with the clone, and has demanded that his brain be immediately transplanted into the body of 25-year-old German Olympic swimmer Chris Hauth.

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