EMPORIA, VA—While attempting to help an exhausted, severely dehydrated canvasser to her feet Friday, a top aide to Hillary Clinton was reportedly instructed by the Democratic presidential candidate to discontinue his efforts and leave behind the enfeebled volunteer who had collapsed during the campaign’s march to South Carolina.
WASHINGTON, DC (May 4)According to Beltway insiders, the new adult clone of Dick Cheney, recently created and accelerated to replace the ailing vice president, lacks the unique style and gruff charm of the original. "The voice is the same, the look and attitude is the same, but when the original Cheney stabbed your hand to the table with a ballpoint pen during a Cabinet meeting, it was because he meant it," said White House intern Chester Clem. "With Cheney1, there's no soul in it." Cheney himself, though on life-support at Walter Reed Army Hospital, is reportedly dissatisfied with the clone, and has demanded that his brain be immediately transplanted into the body of 25-year-old German Olympic swimmer Chris Hauth.