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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Closed Shop In Gentrifying Neighborhood To Emerge From Chrysalis As Beautiful Gastropub

BROOKLYN, NY—Six months after going out of business as Sherelle’s Salon, a closed storefront in the rapidly gentrifying neighborhood of Crown Heights was on the verge of emerging from its chrysalis as a beautiful gastropub, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It’s so exciting to watch the transformation—I’ve been peeking through the papered-over windows, and bit by bit you can see a cute little spot for creative comfort food taking shape,” said neighborhood resident Jessica Tasker, who since moving into a nearby renovated condominium has eagerly observed several businesses at different stages of metamorphosis. “I think I can see a bit of the open kitchen forming. It’s amazing to think that in just a few weeks, it’ll develop a full wood-fired oven for its peasant flatbread pizzas. Oh look, that must be a cask of small-batch whiskey! It won’t be long now.” At press time, the gorgeous gastropub had fully broken free from its casing, and there was at least a 90-minute wait to see it.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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