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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Closed Shop In Gentrifying Neighborhood To Emerge From Chrysalis As Beautiful Gastropub

BROOKLYN, NY—Six months after going out of business as Sherelle’s Salon, a closed storefront in the rapidly gentrifying neighborhood of Crown Heights was on the verge of emerging from its chrysalis as a beautiful gastropub, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It’s so exciting to watch the transformation—I’ve been peeking through the papered-over windows, and bit by bit you can see a cute little spot for creative comfort food taking shape,” said neighborhood resident Jessica Tasker, who since moving into a nearby renovated condominium has eagerly observed several businesses at different stages of metamorphosis. “I think I can see a bit of the open kitchen forming. It’s amazing to think that in just a few weeks, it’ll develop a full wood-fired oven for its peasant flatbread pizzas. Oh look, that must be a cask of small-batch whiskey! It won’t be long now.” At press time, the gorgeous gastropub had fully broken free from its casing, and there was at least a 90-minute wait to see it.

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