Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Closed Shop In Gentrifying Neighborhood To Emerge From Chrysalis As Beautiful Gastropub

BROOKLYN, NY—Six months after going out of business as Sherelle’s Salon, a closed storefront in the rapidly gentrifying neighborhood of Crown Heights was on the verge of emerging from its chrysalis as a beautiful gastropub, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It’s so exciting to watch the transformation—I’ve been peeking through the papered-over windows, and bit by bit you can see a cute little spot for creative comfort food taking shape,” said neighborhood resident Jessica Tasker, who since moving into a nearby renovated condominium has eagerly observed several businesses at different stages of metamorphosis. “I think I can see a bit of the open kitchen forming. It’s amazing to think that in just a few weeks, it’ll develop a full wood-fired oven for its peasant flatbread pizzas. Oh look, that must be a cask of small-batch whiskey! It won’t be long now.” At press time, the gorgeous gastropub had fully broken free from its casing, and there was at least a 90-minute wait to see it.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.