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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Closeted Soldiers Getting In Last Clandestine Rendezvous Before 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Repealed

ARLINGTON, VA—With the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy set to be repealed, millions of closeted soldiers are rushing to get in their last ever sessions of extra-hot surreptitious sex, sources reported Monday. "Ending 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' is a major step forward for the rights of all gay soldiers," said a high-ranking officer who wished to remain anonymous. "That said, there's nothing quite like the thrill of approaching a fellow soldier under the cover of night, undressing frantically behind an Abrams tank, and engaging in wild, forbidden intercourse knowing full well that you'll be kicked out of the military if you're caught. God. What a rush." The high-ranking officer then quickly excused himself, claiming that he desperately needed to go check up on "something inside those barracks."

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