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Closeted Soldiers Getting In Last Clandestine Rendezvous Before 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Repealed

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Closeted Soldiers Getting In Last Clandestine Rendezvous Before 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Repealed

ARLINGTON, VA—With the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy set to be repealed, millions of closeted soldiers are rushing to get in their last ever sessions of extra-hot surreptitious sex, sources reported Monday. "Ending 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' is a major step forward for the rights of all gay soldiers," said a high-ranking officer who wished to remain anonymous. "That said, there's nothing quite like the thrill of approaching a fellow soldier under the cover of night, undressing frantically behind an Abrams tank, and engaging in wild, forbidden intercourse knowing full well that you'll be kicked out of the military if you're caught. God. What a rush." The high-ranking officer then quickly excused himself, claiming that he desperately needed to go check up on "something inside those barracks."

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