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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Closing Of State Aviary Facilities Puts Hundreds Of Mentally Ill Birds On The Streets

PROVIDENCE, RI—Due to budgetary constraints, the State of Rhode Island was forced to shutter a number of its aviary facilities Sunday, resulting in hundreds of mentally ill sparrows, pigeons, chickadees, pelicans, kestrels, and penguins being put out on the street. "These birds are incapable of making the decisions necessary to navigate through everyday life," Providence Aviary administrator Margaret Lyons said as a disturbed grackle pecked at a spot on the ground where there was clearly no food. "With nowhere to go and no one to look after them, they roam the streets, sleep on telephone wires, and fly uncontrollably and repeatedly into large-frame plate-glass windows. Frankly, it's irresponsible and inhumane to release a kiwi that hears voices into a world where it could be a danger to itself or to others." Gov. Lincoln Chafee has promised swift action, stating that he would close the state's cat shelters in order to rectify the situation.

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