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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Closing Of State Aviary Facilities Puts Hundreds Of Mentally Ill Birds On The Streets

PROVIDENCE, RI—Due to budgetary constraints, the State of Rhode Island was forced to shutter a number of its aviary facilities Sunday, resulting in hundreds of mentally ill sparrows, pigeons, chickadees, pelicans, kestrels, and penguins being put out on the street. "These birds are incapable of making the decisions necessary to navigate through everyday life," Providence Aviary administrator Margaret Lyons said as a disturbed grackle pecked at a spot on the ground where there was clearly no food. "With nowhere to go and no one to look after them, they roam the streets, sleep on telephone wires, and fly uncontrollably and repeatedly into large-frame plate-glass windows. Frankly, it's irresponsible and inhumane to release a kiwi that hears voices into a world where it could be a danger to itself or to others." Gov. Lincoln Chafee has promised swift action, stating that he would close the state's cat shelters in order to rectify the situation.

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