Closing Of State Aviary Facilities Puts Hundreds Of Mentally Ill Birds On The Streets

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Vol 48 Issue 12

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HBO 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Life at the track is turned upside down when one of the jockeys discovers the horses can talk.

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CBS 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST This week, Gina saves half the chicken she had for dinner and cuts it up for a salad she'll have for lunch tomorrow. That's so her.

Anthony Davis

Kentucky's shot-blocking frosh sensation has been unselfish, versatile, and seemingly everywhere on the floor during the NCAA Tournament.

Purity Of War Marred By One Bad Apple In Afghanistan

A study finds that newborn infants can tell if their parents are losers, all 6.5 million residents of Indiana join together to form a collective consciousness, and Ray Ban is unsure the public can pull off its 2012 series of sunglasses.

Area Man Gets Terrible Creative Juices Flowing

SLIDELL, LA—Local man Timothy Nolan announced Friday that after initially struggling to get into the right frame of mind for a new project, he had finally gotten his horrible creative juices flowing.
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Closing Of State Aviary Facilities Puts Hundreds Of Mentally Ill Birds On The Streets

PROVIDENCE, RI—Due to budgetary constraints, the State of Rhode Island was forced to shutter a number of its aviary facilities Sunday, resulting in hundreds of mentally ill sparrows, pigeons, chickadees, pelicans, kestrels, and penguins being put out on the street. "These birds are incapable of making the decisions necessary to navigate through everyday life," Providence Aviary administrator Margaret Lyons said as a disturbed grackle pecked at a spot on the ground where there was clearly no food. "With nowhere to go and no one to look after them, they roam the streets, sleep on telephone wires, and fly uncontrollably and repeatedly into large-frame plate-glass windows. Frankly, it's irresponsible and inhumane to release a kiwi that hears voices into a world where it could be a danger to itself or to others." Gov. Lincoln Chafee has promised swift action, stating that he would close the state's cat shelters in order to rectify the situation.

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