Clown-Suited Furniture Salesman Not Clowning Around When It Comes To Big Savings

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Vol 33 Issue 14

U.N. Peacekeepers Pulled From Bosnia To Mow Ted Turner's Lawn

MARIETTA, GA—Responding swiftly to "a severe lawncare crisis" in the Southern U.S., a division of U.N. peacekeepers was pulled from Bosnia and deployed to media mogul Ted Turner's estate for emergency groundskeeping Monday. "The deteriorating condition of Mr. Turner's lawn represents a major international crisis that demands immediate attention," U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. If the troops complete their mission early, they will receive several days' furlough before being assigned to domestic duty within Turner's mansion.

10-Year-Old Denies Girl-Liking Allegations

RADNOR, PA—At a cafeteria-table press conference Monday, David Pernell, 10, "categorically denied" girl-liking allegations recently levied against him by fellow Lakeview Elementary School fourth-grader Jonathan Witt. "I do not, have not and will not ever like girls," Pernell told the crowd of seven boys assembled at the lunchroom's back table. "Mr. Witt's accusations are not only 100 percent false, but also slanderous, as it has always been my firm conviction that girls are totally and completely gross." Pernell went on to suggest that perhaps it is Witt who likes girls, particularly Jenny Loughlin, 10.

New Demography Today Magazine Targets Demographer Demographic

NEW YORK—Demography Today, a new magazine targeting the demographer demographic, is set to make its debut on U.S. newsstands this week. "Our statistical data indicated that there exists a large, untapped market of people who are interested in statistical data and untapped markets," Demography Today editor-in-chief Lewis Arnell said. "We've created this magazine for just such 22- to 65-year-old demographers who have 2.1 children, spend $1,630 at restaurants annually, and watch 14.5 hours of television per week."

Skyrocketing TV-Star Salaries

Next year, Helen Hunt will earn $1 million per episode of Mad About You. NBC offered Jerry Seinfeld $3 million per episode to continue Seinfeld. What do you think about the recent explosion in television stars' salaries?

I Can't Stand My Filthy Hippie Owner

Jesus Christ, do I ever hate my filthy fucking hippie owner, Zach. You have no idea the hell I go through, living in this disgusting house with him and his hordes of skank-ass hippie friends.

Report: National Content Now Over 85 Percent Filler

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report issued Monday by the General Content-Assessment Office, the National Content-To-Filler Index (NCFI) currently stands at 85.5 percent. Representing a 22 percent increase from just three years ago, the current NCFI figure is the highest in U.S. history.
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Clown-Suited Furniture Salesman Not Clowning Around When It Comes To Big Savings

SPARTANBURG, SC—In a clear case of retail irony, on Monday, Furniture World owner/pitchman Mort Neely appeared in his latest television commercial dressed as a clown–despite the fact that he is in no way "clowning around" or otherwise treating the subject of low furniture prices with irreverence.

Mort Neely, owner of Furniture World. Neely stressed that, despite his ludicrous appearance, he is in no way flippant when it comes to selling quality loveseats and sofas at a good price.

The commercial, which aired on NBC affiliate WWBT-12 during an 11:30 p.m. Cheers rerun, features Neely standing in front of his store in a rented clown costume. Addressing the viewer, he states, "My fellow residents of the greater Spartanburg area, it is I, Mort Neely, dressed as a clown. Before I say anything else, though, I wish to stress one thing: This outlandish mode of dress in which you see me is wholly inappropriate in light of my commitment to low prices on home furnishings."

Several Furniture World sale items are then displayed, after which Neely ends the commercial by urging viewers to visit the store immediately and not to wait for the circus to come to town.

Neely, who said he donned the clown costume purely as a means of attracting viewers' attention, acknowledged having serious concerns that the commercial would send the wrong message.

"I knew there was a chance people would see me dressed in the clown suit and think, 'A clown is trying to sell me furniture. I would not do business with a clown. A clown would treat the very serious matter of savings flippantly, as if savings were a joke.' I needed to assure them that my reasons for dressing as a clown in no way reflected a casual attitude on my part toward the serious business of offering rock-bottom prices on popular brands of furniture."

Previous advertisements for the popular Spartanburg furniture outlet featured Neely dressed as a cowboy, an astronaut, and Elvis Presley.

"These personae were far less risky than my latest one," Neely said. "They projected an image of me as a sober-minded man who is deeply dedicated to his profession, which I am. Furthermore, the Presley ad enabled me to identify myself as the 'King Of Furniture,' and state that viewers would be 'all shook up' by the bargains I was offering, a prediction that proved largely accurate."

According to Neely, future commercials for Furniture World will feature him dressed as Sherlock Holmes, a caped superhero, and a space alien with comical springy antennae.

"I still have some reservations about the alien concept," Neely said. "I would hate for viewers to come away with the notion that, aside from the out-of-this-world bargains, my store is in some way otherworldly or inhuman. That is simply not the case."

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