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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Club Has Big Hit With Closed-Mic Night

CLEARWATER, FL—The Ars Nova Café has enjoyed massive success since introducing its signature closed-mic night, coffeehouse manager Peter Haney, 38, said Tuesday. "In August, I did away with the Monday Night Amateur Showcase," Haney said. "Since then, Monday has been our busiest night. Who would've thought that people prefer conversation to bad acoustic-guitar music and wretched poetry?" Having noted the success of the café's Absolutely-No-Live-Entertainment Monday, the bar next door recently announced plans to launch No-House-Band Saturday.

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