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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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CNBC: 'Anyone Who Owns A Suit Can Come On Television'

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Citing a need to provide quality programming 24 hours a day, CNBC has extended an invitation to anyone who owns a suit to drop by the financial news network and be a guest expert, cohost a show with Larry Kudlow, or do whatever. "Don't worry about what kind of shape your suit is in," said CNBC president Mark Hoffman, who explained that his network's studio has an iron and some old phone books that people can press their jackets on. "Just come on down, run a comb through your hair, and if you're here by 8 a.m., we'll have you on Squawk Box at 8:15 making stock picks. But don't forget your suit!" Hoffman added that men of ruddy complexion with neck sizes exceeding 19 inches are not required to wear a tie.

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