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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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CNN Launches ‘CNN For The Shuttle Bus From The Airport To The Hotel’ News Channel

ATLANTA—In its ongoing quest to provide the American business traveler with the most convenient access to up-to-the-minute news, sports, weather and financial information possible, CNN unveiled Monday its new "CNN For The Shuttle Bus From The Airport To The Hotel" channel. "No longer will this nation’s on-the-go executives be cruelly cut off from the latest stock quotes and golf scores during the five-minute ride from the airport, where CNN Airport News is available, to the hotel, where regular CNN is available," CNN’s Ed Gilkey said. "Such inconvenience is finally a thing of the past."

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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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