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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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CNN Releases Photos Of 3 Obese Mexican Women Suspected In Boston Bombing

BOSTON—In the midst of a widespread manhunt that has put the city of Boston on lockdown, CNN released a series of photographs today depicting the three obese Mexican women it claims are the chief suspects in the Boston Marathon attack. “My top-level sources have confirmed that the individuals depicted in these photos planned, coordinated, and put into effect this week’s deadly bombing,” said CNN reporter John King, speaking of the trio of overweight hispanic women, two of whom reportedly died in the late 1990s and one of whom has never actually visited the United States. “If you come across the suspects, please be careful. My sources tell me these women are armed and highly dangerous.” At press time, everyone at CNN was congratulating one another on the good job they’ve been doing.

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

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