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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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CNN's John King Now Just Swiping Hands Across Everything

WASHINGTON—A day after his “Magic Wall” coverage of the U.S. presidential election, sources confirmed that CNN chief national correspondent John King is now swiping his hands across everything from lampshades to parked cars. “Let’s see what’s going on over here,” King reportedly said while swiping tables, chairs, and broadcast equipment in the CNN newsroom, running his hand across the office water cooler in a vertical scrolling motion, and then lightly tapping Wolf Blitzer on the chest to zoom in on the anchor’s tie. “Let’s try to expand that out, explore this area a little more. Things are looking good for the president here.” At press time, King apologized to viewers for “incomplete information” on a nearby coffee cup, saying that he was experiencing a “small glitch.”

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