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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Co-Op Casino Robbed Again

ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time this month, with more than $250,000 reportedly being stolen from the democratically run gambling house's main vault. Although police are currently going down the list of the casino's members, all of whom have access to the safe for one weekend each month, in hopes of catching a break in the case, it is still unknown who was on cash-pile-guarding duty at the time of the robbery. "They even took the wicker basket we keep the money in," said a casino member and 1/360th-part owner known as "Stuef." "This is not my fault, okay, guys? I switched guard shifts with Petula two weeks ago. I even drew arrows on the sign-up calendar and everything." Thus far, no firings have been made or even suggested, but the casino's members have agreed to beef up oversight measures by replacing the position of casino pit boss with a 15-person pit coordinating committee.

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