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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Co-Op Casino Robbed Again

ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time this month, with more than $250,000 reportedly being stolen from the democratically run gambling house's main vault. Although police are currently going down the list of the casino's members, all of whom have access to the safe for one weekend each month, in hopes of catching a break in the case, it is still unknown who was on cash-pile-guarding duty at the time of the robbery. "They even took the wicker basket we keep the money in," said a casino member and 1/360th-part owner known as "Stuef." "This is not my fault, okay, guys? I switched guard shifts with Petula two weeks ago. I even drew arrows on the sign-up calendar and everything." Thus far, no firings have been made or even suggested, but the casino's members have agreed to beef up oversight measures by replacing the position of casino pit boss with a 15-person pit coordinating committee.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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