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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Coach Draws Up Patented 'Unbalanced, Highly Contested 3-Pointer' Play For Game's Final Possession

LAFAYETTE, IN—Coach Brian Janssen, whose scrappy but undersized Wildcats are trailing their heavily favored crosstown rivals 45-47 with eight seconds left in their big game tonight, used his final timeout to draw up his patented "Off-Balance Well-Defended Last-Minute Shot From Well Outside the Three-Point Arc" play. "Okay, Razansky, when you inbound the ball, I want it to glance off your man's arm so that Fanningsworth has to chase it almost to half-court to get it back. Fanningsworth, you pass it to Welcyszko, but do it so slowly the defenders can easily move up to double-team him," Janssen said as the impatient refs signaled to him that the clock was about to restart. "Welcyszko, there will be two taller guys in your face, and you'll have forgotten how much time is left. It won't be much. Now, I know you've only hit four shots out of the 23 you've taken from downtown this year, but you'll be falling backwards and shooting with your off-hand, and they'll probably also foul you without being called, so just chuck it up there and don't think about your possibly pregnant girlfriend watching, or your estranged dying alcoholic father, either, even though he was the last guy to win the championship for this team back in the ’70s. Got it? Okay, break." The Wildcats are the seventh team Janssen has coached in five years.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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