adBlockCheck

Coach Draws Up Patented 'Unbalanced, Highly Contested 3-Pointer' Play For Game's Final Possession

Top Headlines

Sports

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Coach Draws Up Patented 'Unbalanced, Highly Contested 3-Pointer' Play For Game's Final Possession

LAFAYETTE, IN—Coach Brian Janssen, whose scrappy but undersized Wildcats are trailing their heavily favored crosstown rivals 45-47 with eight seconds left in their big game tonight, used his final timeout to draw up his patented "Off-Balance Well-Defended Last-Minute Shot From Well Outside the Three-Point Arc" play. "Okay, Razansky, when you inbound the ball, I want it to glance off your man's arm so that Fanningsworth has to chase it almost to half-court to get it back. Fanningsworth, you pass it to Welcyszko, but do it so slowly the defenders can easily move up to double-team him," Janssen said as the impatient refs signaled to him that the clock was about to restart. "Welcyszko, there will be two taller guys in your face, and you'll have forgotten how much time is left. It won't be much. Now, I know you've only hit four shots out of the 23 you've taken from downtown this year, but you'll be falling backwards and shooting with your off-hand, and they'll probably also foul you without being called, so just chuck it up there and don't think about your possibly pregnant girlfriend watching, or your estranged dying alcoholic father, either, even though he was the last guy to win the championship for this team back in the ’70s. Got it? Okay, break." The Wildcats are the seventh team Janssen has coached in five years.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close