Coach Draws Up Patented 'Unbalanced, Highly Contested 3-Pointer' Play For Game's Final Possession

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Coach Draws Up Patented 'Unbalanced, Highly Contested 3-Pointer' Play For Game's Final Possession

LAFAYETTE, IN—Coach Brian Janssen, whose scrappy but undersized Wildcats are trailing their heavily favored crosstown rivals 45-47 with eight seconds left in their big game tonight, used his final timeout to draw up his patented "Off-Balance Well-Defended Last-Minute Shot From Well Outside the Three-Point Arc" play. "Okay, Razansky, when you inbound the ball, I want it to glance off your man's arm so that Fanningsworth has to chase it almost to half-court to get it back. Fanningsworth, you pass it to Welcyszko, but do it so slowly the defenders can easily move up to double-team him," Janssen said as the impatient refs signaled to him that the clock was about to restart. "Welcyszko, there will be two taller guys in your face, and you'll have forgotten how much time is left. It won't be much. Now, I know you've only hit four shots out of the 23 you've taken from downtown this year, but you'll be falling backwards and shooting with your off-hand, and they'll probably also foul you without being called, so just chuck it up there and don't think about your possibly pregnant girlfriend watching, or your estranged dying alcoholic father, either, even though he was the last guy to win the championship for this team back in the ’70s. Got it? Okay, break." The Wildcats are the seventh team Janssen has coached in five years.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close