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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Coach Draws Up Patented 'Unbalanced, Highly Contested 3-Pointer' Play For Game's Final Possession

LAFAYETTE, IN—Coach Brian Janssen, whose scrappy but undersized Wildcats are trailing their heavily favored crosstown rivals 45-47 with eight seconds left in their big game tonight, used his final timeout to draw up his patented "Off-Balance Well-Defended Last-Minute Shot From Well Outside the Three-Point Arc" play. "Okay, Razansky, when you inbound the ball, I want it to glance off your man's arm so that Fanningsworth has to chase it almost to half-court to get it back. Fanningsworth, you pass it to Welcyszko, but do it so slowly the defenders can easily move up to double-team him," Janssen said as the impatient refs signaled to him that the clock was about to restart. "Welcyszko, there will be two taller guys in your face, and you'll have forgotten how much time is left. It won't be much. Now, I know you've only hit four shots out of the 23 you've taken from downtown this year, but you'll be falling backwards and shooting with your off-hand, and they'll probably also foul you without being called, so just chuck it up there and don't think about your possibly pregnant girlfriend watching, or your estranged dying alcoholic father, either, even though he was the last guy to win the championship for this team back in the ’70s. Got it? Okay, break." The Wildcats are the seventh team Janssen has coached in five years.

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