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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Coach Has Difficulty Describing What Sort Of Win That Was

ORLANDO, FL—Following his team's 89-72 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies Monday, Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy struggled to characterize the victory at a postgame press conference, saying that the win was not emotional, dominating, close, or important. "You really couldn't call this an ugly win, since we outscored them in every quarter, but it certainly wasn't a good win, either, because we played a little sloppy early on and made a number of mistakes," said Van Gundy, who also ruled out the win being either easy, or tough, or having made some sort of statement to the rest of the league. "And it definitely wasn't a must-win. With 72 games remaining this season, it isn't going to help or hurt our playoff prospects. It just sort of was." Grizzlies head coach Lionel Hollins, however, instantly confirmed that his team's defeat was "another piece of shit loss."

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