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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Coach Pretty Sure Heated Locker Room Dispute Over Unpaid Gambling Debts Will Work Itself Out

CHARLOTTE, NC—Stressing that there is “probably no need to get involved,” Charlotte Bobcats head coach Steve Clifford expressed confidence Thursday that a fierce ongoing dispute over unpaid gambling debts between two of his players will just work itself out. “They seem pretty upset right now, but I’m sure that if I give them some time and space, they’ll settle it amongst themselves before anything boils over,” said Clifford, adding that seeing the players physically restrained by teammates while one furiously demands that the other “pay the fuck up right now” is almost certainly just normal banter between guys in the locker room. “Given that they were only talking about a few thousand dollars from a card game, I’m sure they’ll resolve the whole thing pretty quickly—after all, these guys are professionals, so they know how to conduct themselves. It’s probably best for me to totally steer clear of this one and just let them handle it. Nothing much to worry about.” Clifford also confirmed that rumors circulating about both players keeping unregistered firearms in their lockers are “likely just a joke.”

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