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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Coach Pretty Sure Heated Locker Room Dispute Over Unpaid Gambling Debts Will Work Itself Out

CHARLOTTE, NC—Stressing that there is “probably no need to get involved,” Charlotte Bobcats head coach Steve Clifford expressed confidence Thursday that a fierce ongoing dispute over unpaid gambling debts between two of his players will just work itself out. “They seem pretty upset right now, but I’m sure that if I give them some time and space, they’ll settle it amongst themselves before anything boils over,” said Clifford, adding that seeing the players physically restrained by teammates while one furiously demands that the other “pay the fuck up right now” is almost certainly just normal banter between guys in the locker room. “Given that they were only talking about a few thousand dollars from a card game, I’m sure they’ll resolve the whole thing pretty quickly—after all, these guys are professionals, so they know how to conduct themselves. It’s probably best for me to totally steer clear of this one and just let them handle it. Nothing much to worry about.” Clifford also confirmed that rumors circulating about both players keeping unregistered firearms in their lockers are “likely just a joke.”

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